Social Anxiety

I have seen people in small groups or one on one since everything happened. I have not be in any kind of large social setting. Today as I plan to go to only a portion of church, sacrament meeting, I am having great amounts of anxiety.

Everyone knows what happened. It isn't a secret or something that I have obviously not talked about. But now, as I make a public appearance for the first time I am terrified that I won't be able to handle it. At home and one on one I can control my environment, I can change the subject.

I know I will get hugs and looks of pity and support. All good things that just remind me of what I don't have anymore. Why is today any different than yesterday or last week? Maybe the mass groups of people have me on edge or how close my emotions are to the surface today. I have kind of kept them at bay, taking deep breaths and kind of just moving on. Trying not to dwell or think about it. I won't have that option today.

I don't know how to do this. How do I stay strong when I want to fall apart? How do I find the strength that everyone thinks I have?

How do you deal with such heartbreak?

I know the answer, you just do. You wake up everyday and try your best. You smile when you can and cry when you have to. You be as grateful as you can be and you beg for peace in your prayers. You just keep moving.

I haven't forgotten and I still feel it deeply but if you see me and ask how I am doing and I smile and say "I'm OK" or "I'm Fine", know that I am trying not to fall apart and that it doesn't mean that I don't still hurt.