One Week

Today it has been a week. I week since I was with my child.

I have cried an prayed and pondered so much in the last week. I have asked why, I have asked to help me have more faith in the plan and I have prayed to have my heart softened.

I have prayed to have patience with Jared, who is only trying to help me. I am irritable and in pain which often means I am snappy with my sweet husband. I know he is hurting to and I try to be mindful of that.

I try to sleep. I have a hard time going to sleep. I know that being awake is hard but if I go to sleep I am one day further away from that baby. I am one day further from feeling like I was going to be a mother.

It has been a longer recovery than we anticipated. I am bruised from my belly button down and it hurts to move. The stitches burn and my insides ache. It is a constant reminder of what happened.

I cry. I cry a lot.

I feel like I took the opportunity to be a Father from Jared. I know in my head that there was nothing I could do, nothing I did...but it doesn't change how my heart feels sometimes.

I am focusing on being grateful. Grateful I am alive. Grateful for such a sweet husband who has been amazing. Grateful for friends and family and their prayers. I am grateful that one day, when I have healed, we may have the chance to be parents.