Evening Walks

It's been cool enough in the evenings that Jared and I are able to go on our walks again. It's been so fun to be able to explore our neighborhood and the ones around us. We look at houses for sale and discuss what we like and don't, we talk about our jobs, our families and our future family. We talk and walk.

We spent a lot of our dating week and engagement walking or jogging. Its been so hot that we haven't been able to do that as much we like in the summer because of our schedules. I have missed it and I am so grateful to have it be nice again.

We are planning our honeymoon and are loving that we decided to take one a year later. I love my husband more with every passing day and I am so much more sure that I made the right choice to marry him. As scared as people have been for and about us, we are happy. There are ups and downs but there are in any relationship.

Happy 4th!

We spent today (so far) enjoying regular 4th activities. A parade, snowcones and my nephews all star baseball game! His team won and he did great!

I spent lots of time with B and Lil'C today and I love it. They are so much fun to be with. And look at Big C out there playing baseball...I got great nieces and nephews.

I love the 4th and all the fun that goes with it. I'm sure there is more to come.

Ketchup

I am so far behind! Every time I think about blogging this week I seem to end up busy. But, it's been a busy week.

So, first things first. At the beginning if the week we celebrated my MIL's birthday. It was the first family BBQ of the season and boy, was it good! I love getting together with the nieces and nephews that I am still getting to know.

Weekend Getaway

This weekend Jared's brothers and their wives and us, went on an overnight vacation. The kids all stayed with grandma and grandpa and we took off about lunch time on Saturday. We headed to Wendover Nevada.

There really isn't anything to do wendover, for those of you who haven't been. It's a bunch of Casinos and a concert hall. We go for the concerts. This weekend we saw Larry the cable guy. He was hilarious!

On our way there we got caught in a Salt storm. Yeah, you read that right, a salt storm. To get there we have to drive through the salt flats created by the great salt lake. So the wind starts blowing and the salt starts flying. There is little visibility and it's creepy. The sky takes on an almost green hue.

Once there we enjoyed buffet eating, laughs and a little penny slot action. We played $5 and lost most of it. Then gave the little we had left to my SIL and she doubled it. It was fun to be away!

The salt storm blew out the power though and from 3:30pm until about 8 am we had no power, but the casino did! It made for a very interesting trip.

All in all, we love any excuse to get out of town and enjoy ourselves. And that is exactly what we did.

Pictures!!

Ok, so here comes the barrage of pictures! ENJOY!

Caius

Leland admiring my flowers. He in fact, took them away from me

and was upset that he couldn't keep them!

Ciaus giving me hugs

 

 Robin and Leland, after he had taken the flowers, before he gave them back

 There were lots of pictures of Robin's family, but this one cracks me up!

 This one makes me laugh, Leland has a look of "You want me to what?" 

and Ciaus has a look of "get over it!"

 With the in-laws and my super cute husband!

 Jared and his parents

 Jared's side of the family, I love them!

 My sisters-in-law and me. I am so lucky, they were both so helpful!

 I adore, and I mean Adore, my nephews and neice. 

Luckily, they like me too. This picture makes me so happy.

This one is so me!

 One of my favorite pictures, period. I love these two boys to pieces!

 Mother-in-law went and got almost the same shoes as me, haha! It made me laugh.

 My side of the family

 My parents and my amazingly handsome Jared

 I love this picture of me! my parents look good too! haha

 Love the dress in this one

 Everyone loves this one. I like it. We just both look SO YOUNG!

This is one of my favorite pictures! It makes me so happy and look at how stinking awesome he is?

ok, I figure that is enough for today. I'll post more tomorrow.

I Will Not Buy Oreos Again

As was tradition in my family, while watching fireworks we enjoyed Oreo and milk every year. It was just one of those things we did. So, here it is 4th of July and this one little memory nags at me. Out of habit I bought Oreos, I regret it.

I regret it because if they are in the house I know that they are and I want some. I regret it because it makes me think of past 4th of July's and family.

I am more frustrated and upset in the last week with the family not just because of the holiday reminders but because of what is going on in my family at the moment as well. Through facebook, before they were deleted, I found out through status updates that my grandmother who is in her 70's, the one I went and took care of after her stroke, was getting baptised. That my sister's 9 month old baby was having surgery. That they were scheduling a family reunion and pictures to be taken at my grandmothers baptism, which I was not even told about much less invited to.

I can not tell you how much that information tears me apart.

It is hard so feel so unimportant and unwanted in my family who I gave all I had to. I gave up doing things I wanted to do, new clothes, vacations, money and years of my life to people who treat me like this. One thing I do know is that I will never let any children in my life feel unloved or unwanted. Even if I am frustrated or annoyed with them, I never ever want them to feel the way that I do.

Love the people in your life and let them know you love them and want them. Make sure that you never take them for granted. While I never wanted this for myself or for anyone else, I have learned how important family should be and how to not treat people you care about.

I have learned a lot through this mess. Oddly I am grateful for it and the chance to grow and be more than I am. I really wish I could manage to not have to go through it but if I have to, I am glad I am at least learning from it so that I can hopefully help someone or make a difference to someone is going through it later.

I don't think I will buy Oreos again. 4th of July or not.

Family Ties

I am super grateful for amazing people in my life.

I am happy to find that I have grandmothers galore who can't wait to make me dinner and chat about boys with me.

I am happy to find that I have a handful of "mom's" who take me aside and comfort me and encourage me and slip me numbers for attractive future Sons-in-law.

I am happy the my "grandfathers" are protective and always willing to pull weeds while imparting wisdom and strength to me.

I am overwhelmed at the "fathers" I have who call/text and drop by to make sure I am ok and to offer the peace of their priesthood with me.

I am blessed beyond believe to have "sisters" who share their struggles and joys with me. Who kindly offer to share their children and who seem to look the other way when I spoil their children rotten.

I am beyond blessed to have a few "brothers" as well. Who confidently tell me that I am always welcome to hang out with them and make them dinner as well.

I am happy and blessed to see that I have "family" all around me. I am happy that my "family" is so loving and kind. I am so blessed to be so loved.

Soundtrack to My Life

Music just grabs at my soul. I know I am not the only one. Sometimes music puts words to feelings I had but couldn't start to figure out how to say. I am always looking for new interesting music and am not disappointed by a few of my favorites. There are just a few people who always get me with their lyrics and I know I can browse my library of stuff from these two or three people/groups and come up with something to fit my mood. Always.

Currently:

Lighting strikes

inside, my chest to keep me up at night

to dream of ways

to make you understand my pain...

Drop his name

push it in and twist the knife again

watch my face

as I pretend to feel no pain...

How come the only way to see how high you get me

is to see how far I fall

God only knows how much I'd love you if you'd let me

but I can't break through it all...

Good to know it's all a game

disappointment has a name, it's heartbreak warfare...

I belt these lyrics out at the top my lungs, tears streaming down my face with a few names running through my head. I love that these lyrics can say exactly what I am feeling right now.

Eamon

I am an Aunt again. Eamon Reid Kerr was born this afternoon. The boys abound in my famiy aparently. Not worried though, it isn't like boys are bad. Just not many girls being born lately. Soon enough.

Rockin' the Dinosaur

A picture of Christmas morning years ago, I believe I was 11...wow. Check out the dinosaur sweat shirt! Wow, that really takes me back. And check out the hair...wow. The way Rachel mimics Jeremy and Jessie...and Nathan standing on his tip-toes...and the way Robin just barely potty trained and now she has a baby of her own. Back in the day when there was only 6 of us and the girls out numbered the boys...back when a barbie was the best gift ever! I can only remember one or two things I got that year, a New Kids On the Block tape. Don't remember much else.

I remember the Christmas traditions and the fun of Christmas morning. Now, this year I get to pick my traditions and make them mine. It is an interesting place to be. I will share as I decide what these traditions are.

I am so grateful for so wonderful and caring people who want to make sure I am cared for this holiday season. I am blessed to know I am loved and important to so many.

Enjoy this next week and all the amazing moments and feelings that will surely come your way.

Blessed

I had the most amazing four days. I wish I could put into words what I really feel, but I know that these words could never express what I have felt lately.

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We all know I have had a rough year all around. I have struggled with so many things and have had moments when I was really low. I have also had miracles of the grandest kinds show up in my life. It has been a year of amazing and heartbreaking moments.

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I had the opportunity to attend the temple 3 times in four days and really enjoyed every moment of it. I had the chance to do a session, a bunch of sealings and some baptisms as well. It was so amazing to see the whole process in a few days. It was such an amazing experience for me. I felt so calm and peaceful and so sure that I am known by my Father in Heaven and that there is plan for me. An amazing, spectacular and perfect plan for me. I don’t pretend to know anything about it or how it will work out; I just know that it will.

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I was so blessed to have shared these amazing experiences with wonderful people. People who, for reasons I sometimes don’t understand, love and want to be with me. I realized just how much some people care for and about me. I am just so blessed to have a realization about how loved and needed I am right here where I am.

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It is no secret that I love my family. It is also no secret that things have not been well between my family and I in the last few months. For reasons I don’t understand and with many tears I have struggled with feeling alone and unwanted by my family. It has been an unreal experience. Through this last weekend I have realized that no matter what, no matter how hard and frustrated we all are at the moment, my family is forever. What a blessing to know that no matter what I am sealed to my parents and siblings. How grateful I am for that.

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I am so grateful for the chance to share this weekend and these experiences with Logan. He has been my family in the last few months and I can not express how grateful I am for having him as a part of my life. He has listened as I cried in pain and anger. He danced with me when I just needed to get out of it all. He taught me to play xbox. He challenged me to read the Book of Mormon by the end of the year and checks to make sure I am on my way. He fixes my doors, vacuums my floor and tells me that I am a great cook. He helps pick out guys that are good for me and doesn’t let me settle for anything less than what I deserve. I wish I could express how grateful I am for his encouragement and friendship. Our friendship has grown as we serve together in the temple, on our Mid-Singles committee and each other. I have grown to love him and him me. I know that this is sadly only a limited time thing, one day both of us will get married and I won’t have him around like I do now. I am grateful to have had him at all. He will make some girl very happy one day.

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I know that I am blessed. I know while struggles seem to follow me at the moment that I am blessed and that I would do it all again. I would feel all the fear, dejection, heartache and frustration to be who I am and where I am today. I love who I have become and I am grateful for the roads that led me here.

The End of the Road

Finally the feet have stopped swelling and things are calming down after the "big day". Today marks the first family departure (excluding the bride and groom of course which barely left town yesterday). My Great Aunt Kitty (my mothers, mothers, sister, in the dark glasses) leaves today. We love to see her and are sad to see her head back to Oregon. I look forward to seeing her again soon.

My brother Jeremy and I leave tomorrow. Jeremy (the bald one) leaves and come back in about 6 weeks. To my parents (and brothers!) delights he will be moving to Iowa. But that isn't all! There is other big news too...

My grandmother, (again, my mothers mother, with the necklace in the picture) will also be moving here in 6 weeks. Into an assisted living facility but still here from her home of 20 or so years in North Carolina. Mixed feelings from family. It will be good for her but taxing on my mom and in turn the family. So I just hope for the best.

I head home to a new job and some research this summer. I am excited to see my girlfriends. I don't feel like I have seen them in a while and to me they are sisters. There is so much to catch up on and the gabfest that we will have when we get together will be hilarious. I am so lucky to have them.