Until Today

I have always been aware that getting pregnant was not going to be easy for me. I have been realitively ok with the process an time it has taken so far. I have been fine with it all.

Until today.

A long time co-worker and friend of mine shared that she was pregnant. 16 weeks actually. I was so shocked and happy for her.

Then, out of the blue it was anguish. They hardly had to try and I am on 15 months of trying. I have been subjected to poking and prodding and tests. I daily take medicine to help me get pregant. I take fertility drugs that make me nauseated, emotional and exhausted. I called my husband and cried. And cried and cried.

I feel alone in this. I feel like "trying" has become a job for us. Each month we work a little harder and try something new. It just upsets me so much. I can't stand how angry and emotional I was. I hated how lonely I felt and how completely inadequate I suddenly felt. As those around me are excited about their babies I long to be given the chance.

I just needed to not be so alone in this today. I know that we are all in this place at some point and I really needed to know I had people, somewhere who understood my heartache.

I pray for patience, understanding and faith today. I pray to be prepared for
The day when I get to have children. I pray for the chance to be able to one day hold another woman up and listen with understanding ears as she weeps tears for the chance to be a mother too.

Oh, My

It has been a while since I posted. I know. Life has been busy and hectic and I have been lazy.

But, I am posting now.

We have been trying to start a family for a year. We have loved just being us and enjoying the getting to be together phase. We have also wanted to expand our family too. We have beenmonitered by my dr and had all kinds of tests done. We knew I had PCOS when we started but it got worse in the last year. I have had to start taking med daily and while they have made a huge difference it is still not doing enough.

So, this week, we started Clomid. Yep, fertility drugs are in our life. It's wonderful to know we are moving forward in our journey and scary at the same time. There are all kinds of concerns that come with this too.

I get nauseated with almost every drug I take. I found one antihistamine that works without side affect. One. And pain killers are hardly worth taking because I get to sick to my stomach.

Clomid is no different.

I am so sick I could die. If I sit still it isn't so bad. The problem is I can sit through this week. Also, I am already a cryer. I cry all the time. I cried today because my husband offered to throw out food in the fridge that had passed its prime. Not sad that we hadn't eaten it, or mad that he brought it up, but because he is the best husband in the whole world because he would do that for me.

I need to get a grip. I need it to be Saturday. I need to be pregnant so I don't have to take this again.

Realistically, I know the chances of one cycle being enough is slim. Slim indeed but for once, can't I be the positive exception?

Sometimes It All Just Works

Sometimes things just work out for the best. I have seen it in my life a million times over. From breaking up with boyfriends, losing jobs, getting odd jobs and life changes. It always seems to work out.

After a lot of thought and discussion with my health care team (yeah, it sounds odd, but I seem to have collected a sizable little group of about 6 health care professionals) I have decided to go off my medication for a trial period. I am really nervous about it. I am afraid of the mood changes and the transition my body will be in, but I am also hopeful. This will gauge if my body has been responding to the hormones and if there are any natural hormones still functioning in my system. If there are, the chance that I might be able to conceive one day get greater. If in fact there aren't, then the discussions start about long term management. It is scary and good all at once. It will all work out for the best though. If I end up having the chance to adopt what a blessing it will be!

In the midst of all the emotional chaos that is mixed into my life I received a wonderful Christmas Gift. An hour long massage. Can you imagine? I only DREAM of stuff like that. So tonight after a long few days and an emotional week, I get to go meet with my trainer and use every bit of energy and grit I have in me at the gym, enjoy a quiet dinner at one of my favorite restaurants and then, the massage.

I am always amazed at how crazy and hectic my life can be and then in the same moment how the hand of the Lord is constantly swooping in to calm, bless and strengthen it.

Blessing in Trials

So, I have been on birth control for a few months now, trying to get my issues under control. I am all for doing all I can to save what little I have left to save, in hopes that I might one day have my own children, but can I just say that right about now, I am starting to look more closely at the option of just adopting when the time comes.

Without going into tons of detail, it's not working. Even being on the pill has not been enough to fix the problem. Each month I have high hopes, but am plagued by massive cramps, clotting and bleeding. As we try new methods I grow hopeful and then cry as they don't work.

I know that while I am not trying to have children right now, that it still is hard to think to the future when one day I will wish that I could and won't be able to. I am coming to grips with it now, and that is a blessing to know the complications and problems now so that it isn't a surprise later when I was trying, but is still heartbreaking. As a child you imagine and talk about when you will have your own "babies" and the reality that I won't be is hard.

I watch friends and sisters have children and I am so grateful for the blessings they are given, that they don't have to deal with this. I am grateful that I get time to deal with it before I have to cry at not getting pregnant. As hard as it is, it is a blessing. I will be able to sympathize and comfort those who also share my heartbreak. How grateful I am for that.

Out with the Old, in with the...Old?

In the last few weeks I have been surrounded by tons of old high school and friends from various places I have lived, finding me online. Back in the day the internet was not as big a deal and I didn't keep up with many of them to but to have found some after all these years is kind of fun. But what do you say to someone that you were friends with in high school but haven't talked to in 12 years? hm? Yeah, I have no idea.

And friends from NC and SD have looked me up as well. It has been fun to chat with old friends and see where their lives have taken them.

I have been busy in the last week or so, so many things to do. Oddly good news is that the hormones I have been taking for my PCOS have worked (so far)! Which is great news. It means that I can start on my regular regimen soon and be close to normal. A blessing that I can not even begin to tell you how much it means to me.

A friend from last summer just came back to town this last week and it was fun to see him and chat with him a little. It is fun to have friends around. And seeing as all my friends (minus a slim few) are getting married and moving, I am very ok with having old friends come back.

Well, off to bed with me. The medicine kicked in and I feel much better now. So, sweet dreams and wonderful days my friends.

Results

Today was my doctors appointment and I had my ultra sounds and such and got my test results back. Good news is that it was not cancerous, but I do have Polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS). This means I have problems producing progesterone, which causes problems ovulating. Which is not good. My last period (yes, this is kind of graphic) lasted 64 days.

So I was put on hormones and we are going to try to see if that will help kick start my system. This problem will however affect my ability to get pregnant. Not the happiest day. I have shown signs of PCOS since I was a teenager but was not diagnosed until now. I feel peace in knowing now I have a chance at being normal again. PCOS runs in families, mother or fathers sides, so it is more likely that my female relatives would have it.

I do have lots of stories and posts to post, I really just am glad to be done with this. I had a lot of stress about this the last week or so. I feel happy knowing that it is one thing I don't have to worry about, just have to deal with. There is something about knowing what you are dealing with though, it makes it easier. At least for me.