Back to the ER

I feel like my body is out to get me. Yesterday was a hard day, my pain meds just weren't working like they were supposed to. So I took some pain pills and went to bed last night. Woke up at 4 to take more pain meds but it was down hill from there. I just had horrible pain since then and ended up back in the ER this morning. 

I am tired of the ER. 

I vomited a few times on my way in the door. My kidney was infected and I had a UTI. 

For real? FOR REAL?!

I can't possibly tell you how defeated I feel right now. I am close to being better but I am going to just give up today. I am bound to feel better by tomorrow. I big dose of IV drugs makes all the difference.

The worst part is that because of the timing we have to take this month of fertility. We just did the HSG and are supposed to have increased fertility for a few months and now I can't even take Femara, the easiest fertility drug. So sad.

The Hulk

One of my favorite movie story lines is from The Avengers. Everyone wants to know how the hulk can manage to keep the beast from taking over. He evades the question over and over until eventually he tells everyone his secret, "I'm angry all the time." Seems odd that I can relate to that but, I do. I am not angry all the time but I am always aware of my frustration and sadness about our infertility. There are days when I am normal and things don't bug me. Then there are days when the little thing triggers everything and the beast takes over. I am sad and angry and have no patience. I can blame the fertility meds that change dosage and kinds regularly. I can blame stress. I know that I need to learn to "cage the beast" that is always waiting just under the surface. Please don't hold that beast against me when I lose it. Realize I don't like who it makes me and I struggle daily with keeping it in check. It is hard every day but I am trying and I am getting better, I hope.

Fertility Woes

The first IUI failed. It was one of the hardest things to realize that it had not worked.

All of our testing came back as we suspected, the hubs is great. I on the other hand have all the problems we knew and a few more. I have a low ovarian reserve, which means I don't have many eggs left which is not surprising because of when I started menstruating. It is so hard to want know that with every month I lose eggs and with that the chance to have children. Even with fertility meds, it doesn't increase the quality of eggs, just the number I produce each month.

We went in for our CD3 ultrasound and found that my lining had shaped up nicely. It was at an 11 the month before and was at 6 this month, which is a huge reduction and the dr was very encouraged by that. We also saw a lot of follicles on the right ovary which looked great. On the left we found 3 cysts. Not really happy about that. We were concerned that we would have to go on birth control for a few months to clean out the cysts but the doctor said they looked small enough to be able to go ahead with the next cycle. Which was a relief.

We are super hopeful that this cycle will be the one that worked. We will find out right around our anniversary if it worked.

Until Today

I have always been aware that getting pregnant was not going to be easy for me. I have been realitively ok with the process an time it has taken so far. I have been fine with it all.

Until today.

A long time co-worker and friend of mine shared that she was pregnant. 16 weeks actually. I was so shocked and happy for her.

Then, out of the blue it was anguish. They hardly had to try and I am on 15 months of trying. I have been subjected to poking and prodding and tests. I daily take medicine to help me get pregant. I take fertility drugs that make me nauseated, emotional and exhausted. I called my husband and cried. And cried and cried.

I feel alone in this. I feel like "trying" has become a job for us. Each month we work a little harder and try something new. It just upsets me so much. I can't stand how angry and emotional I was. I hated how lonely I felt and how completely inadequate I suddenly felt. As those around me are excited about their babies I long to be given the chance.

I just needed to not be so alone in this today. I know that we are all in this place at some point and I really needed to know I had people, somewhere who understood my heartache.

I pray for patience, understanding and faith today. I pray to be prepared for
The day when I get to have children. I pray for the chance to be able to one day hold another woman up and listen with understanding ears as she weeps tears for the chance to be a mother too.