You Know How Infertility Feels?

I know that everyones journey having children is different. My mother was as fertile as they could be, she popped out 8 kids and didn't have problems conceiving. 

I have a friend who can get pregnant but can't seem to keep pregnant. She does all she can but just can't stay pregnant. 

I have friends who are among the normal women out there who gets pregnant after a few months.

I love all of these women. I want to make that very clear.

When I hear people tell me, either because they aren't aware of my infertility struggles or they just don't understand, that they got pregnant the first month they tried and "It was so hard!" I struggle with all my might to not scream.  Or someone who cries to me that they understand how I feel because it took 3 months to get pregnant. 

I understand everyone has a different journey but I have to tell you, I hate hearing things like that. Have you had to give yourself shots, taken all kind of pill combinations, had IUI's, blood draws and more internal ultrasounds than is fair. I have had more people poking around between my legs than I can count on two hands. I have paid thousands of dollars to doctors just for the CHANCE to have children. 

Be aware and be sensitive to those around you. I am ok with people being fertile as long as they are grateful around me and complain to someone else. When the girl who tells me that one month was hard to try to get pregnant, I smile and say "Yeah, I know." and change the subject. 

I scream inside but I'm still nice and silently hate that is was so easy for her.

The Hulk

One of my favorite movie story lines is from The Avengers. Everyone wants to know how the hulk can manage to keep the beast from taking over. He evades the question over and over until eventually he tells everyone his secret, "I'm angry all the time." Seems odd that I can relate to that but, I do. I am not angry all the time but I am always aware of my frustration and sadness about our infertility. There are days when I am normal and things don't bug me. Then there are days when the little thing triggers everything and the beast takes over. I am sad and angry and have no patience. I can blame the fertility meds that change dosage and kinds regularly. I can blame stress. I know that I need to learn to "cage the beast" that is always waiting just under the surface. Please don't hold that beast against me when I lose it. Realize I don't like who it makes me and I struggle daily with keeping it in check. It is hard every day but I am trying and I am getting better, I hope.

The reconciling

The hubs and I enjoyed a game night with friends and then a lazy morning with no alarms. We woke up and chatted about life and plans and memories of the last few years.
It was easy and fun. It was calm and beautiful. It was perfect,
We want kids, more than anything. I pump my body full of hormones and meds for the chance to get pregnant. But...
I love where we are. I love waking up next to my sweetheart, to smile as he puts his arm around me as we talk about everything. I love the calmness and happiness that just being together gives us.
I am ok with where we are, because it is such a sweet place. I sometimes feel bad that I am ok with where we are, even though we ache for kids. It is hard reconcile those two places and feelings in life.
For today, being with my husband is enough. Together we are enough.