What to do...

So, my femara prescription ran out last month. So on CD 3, which was Labor Day, I couldn't taking it to start another cycle. I had intended to call the RE and get a refill but, I didn't. I just forgot. So we are doing a natural cycle this time. We did a natural cycle in July, if you recall, and I cycled just fine. It was such a blessing to feel like my body worked the way it was supposed to.

We have been talking more lately about where we are in our journey. We are coming up on year three and I feel tired. Tired of trying every cycle with not a single cycle with a confirmed positive. Cycle after cycle of hoping and optimism.

5 cycles of Clomid.
30 cycles of Metformin.
12 cycles of Femara.
5 IuI's.
2 cycles with Bravelle and trigger shot.
1 HSG.
Countless ultrasounds (transvaginal as well as regular)
So many needle pricks I don't even flinch any more

I know there are so many others who have been trying longer, done more meds or IVF's...I know I am not alone. I just feel tired. Crazy is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results...right?

So I am left wondering, where do we go now? Do I keep trying with Femara and IUI's? We can't afford IVF. It isn't even an option for us right now.

Do we move forward with doing foster care?

I know we will have children...someday. I will hold children in my arms that will call me mom. When and how, I have no idea. I don't know how to move forward when it hurts to consider not trying and hurts to consider continuing to try. It is just that place that is hard.

You Know How Infertility Feels?

I know that everyones journey having children is different. My mother was as fertile as they could be, she popped out 8 kids and didn't have problems conceiving. 

I have a friend who can get pregnant but can't seem to keep pregnant. She does all she can but just can't stay pregnant. 

I have friends who are among the normal women out there who gets pregnant after a few months.

I love all of these women. I want to make that very clear.

When I hear people tell me, either because they aren't aware of my infertility struggles or they just don't understand, that they got pregnant the first month they tried and "It was so hard!" I struggle with all my might to not scream.  Or someone who cries to me that they understand how I feel because it took 3 months to get pregnant. 

I understand everyone has a different journey but I have to tell you, I hate hearing things like that. Have you had to give yourself shots, taken all kind of pill combinations, had IUI's, blood draws and more internal ultrasounds than is fair. I have had more people poking around between my legs than I can count on two hands. I have paid thousands of dollars to doctors just for the CHANCE to have children. 

Be aware and be sensitive to those around you. I am ok with people being fertile as long as they are grateful around me and complain to someone else. When the girl who tells me that one month was hard to try to get pregnant, I smile and say "Yeah, I know." and change the subject. 

I scream inside but I'm still nice and silently hate that is was so easy for her.

Fertility Woes

The first IUI failed. It was one of the hardest things to realize that it had not worked.

All of our testing came back as we suspected, the hubs is great. I on the other hand have all the problems we knew and a few more. I have a low ovarian reserve, which means I don't have many eggs left which is not surprising because of when I started menstruating. It is so hard to want know that with every month I lose eggs and with that the chance to have children. Even with fertility meds, it doesn't increase the quality of eggs, just the number I produce each month.

We went in for our CD3 ultrasound and found that my lining had shaped up nicely. It was at an 11 the month before and was at 6 this month, which is a huge reduction and the dr was very encouraged by that. We also saw a lot of follicles on the right ovary which looked great. On the left we found 3 cysts. Not really happy about that. We were concerned that we would have to go on birth control for a few months to clean out the cysts but the doctor said they looked small enough to be able to go ahead with the next cycle. Which was a relief.

We are super hopeful that this cycle will be the one that worked. We will find out right around our anniversary if it worked.