What to do...

So, my femara prescription ran out last month. So on CD 3, which was Labor Day, I couldn't taking it to start another cycle. I had intended to call the RE and get a refill but, I didn't. I just forgot. So we are doing a natural cycle this time. We did a natural cycle in July, if you recall, and I cycled just fine. It was such a blessing to feel like my body worked the way it was supposed to.

We have been talking more lately about where we are in our journey. We are coming up on year three and I feel tired. Tired of trying every cycle with not a single cycle with a confirmed positive. Cycle after cycle of hoping and optimism.

5 cycles of Clomid.
30 cycles of Metformin.
12 cycles of Femara.
5 IuI's.
2 cycles with Bravelle and trigger shot.
1 HSG.
Countless ultrasounds (transvaginal as well as regular)
So many needle pricks I don't even flinch any more

I know there are so many others who have been trying longer, done more meds or IVF's...I know I am not alone. I just feel tired. Crazy is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results...right?

So I am left wondering, where do we go now? Do I keep trying with Femara and IUI's? We can't afford IVF. It isn't even an option for us right now.

Do we move forward with doing foster care?

I know we will have children...someday. I will hold children in my arms that will call me mom. When and how, I have no idea. I don't know how to move forward when it hurts to consider not trying and hurts to consider continuing to try. It is just that place that is hard.

Maybe It Does Matter

I started my period and had my kidney stones on CD1. With the surgery and all the meds, being on the femara this month wasn't an option. At the time I was ok with it, I hurt and I just wanted to not hurt, not much else mattered. Now, maybe it does.

I have lost almost 30 pounds since the type 2 Diabetes diagnosis and I have been taking the metformin very regularly. I have high hopes that this will be the miracle month that I ovulate on my own. It could happen right? While we are at it lets hope this is also the miracle month we finally conceive.

I just feel like after the diabetes diagnosis I fought hard to get back on my feet, change my life and work hard to make my body work the best it can. Then I finally feel like July is the cycle that we can get going with fertility again and my body freaks out and tries to pass giant kidney stones. I can't catch a break.

Maybe it is a good thing, I must need this break but I hate that it is forced on me and not by choice.

Hard Blessings

It's been a rough week. In good and bad ways.

I have two best friends who mean the world to me. I trust them and love them both so much. In the last few weeks, both have shared the wonderful news that they are pregnant.

I am so excited for both of them. One is having her first and the other her fourth. I was so happy to share in their news. And, sadly, conflicted with sadness and frustration.

While I was so happy for them there was a part of me that cried out, "not fair!". We have been doing everything right, temping, met, clomid, tracking cm and the giant prenatals. We have been trying for 15 months and have come up short over and over. I cried that I couldn't share in this with them. I cried that my dream seemed to be happening for everyone but me.

It will hurt until it is my turn. But, I will also be so happy and excited for those around me. My sadness in not being pregnant in no way affects my happiness for those around me that are.

Pill Popper

Trying to conceive is hard. Not just on me. We want kids so badly and it hurts to have no control.

I feel like there is something wrong with me that I can't accomplish this, the most basic of human functions. It's not that others make me feel bad, it's the disappointment that I have that is the hardest.

I feel bad that I take metformin twice a day to help my body do what it should, to regulate my hormones. Then, for 5 days each cycle I pop Clomid into the mix. To help me have more viable eggs and lengthen my luteal phase. I basically ingest all this stuff in hopes that a baby my be the end result.

All the while smiling and acting like each time I see a baby it doesn't hurt. I've gotten pretty good at that, sadly.