Options Revealed

It's been a month. I almost feels like a dream. Like it didn't happen but then I remember the pain or I rub my incision scars the wrong way and I remember. It did happen.

We had our appointment with the RE yesterday and it was as bad as I had feared. My heart sank as he said with my hormone levels and the hubs morphology issues that our chance of getting pregnant is only 10% each cycle. Its better than 0, but 10% is really low.

He suggested we seriously consider IVF.

The cheapest cycle (one fresh) is $9000 and about $3500 in meds. That would give us a whopping 40% chance.

The guaranteed program, 4 fresh cycles and all associated froze cycles (with a 24 month period) for $22,000. Plus, the $1,800 ICSI that he thinks is our best bet (that is actually inserting the sperm into the egg, not just introducing them in a dish) and $300 for the anesthesia. So we are just going to round that out to $25,000 and forget about how much meds will cost.

So...how do we come up with $25,000 dollars? If we don't have a live birth within that 2 year period we will get 100% of our money back. Which is great, but if we do...it cost us $25,000 to have a baby, then pay for a baby.

We want children but is it financially responsible for us to really even consider this? Not really. I want to fight for it, to find a way to make it happen, but it just isn't a sound option. But doing a per cycle round is less so. So we just stick to IUI and injectables?

I feel so stuck and overwhelmed again. There is nothing I can do. There is nothing that I will be able to talk my way into, or work hard for...We just have to pray that we have a miracle happen and that the 10% chance we have of having kids magically happens for us.

The Hubs is totally optimistic. He is excited and thinks we have a great chance. I, on the other hand am just depressed and angry and sad.

What to do...

So, my femara prescription ran out last month. So on CD 3, which was Labor Day, I couldn't taking it to start another cycle. I had intended to call the RE and get a refill but, I didn't. I just forgot. So we are doing a natural cycle this time. We did a natural cycle in July, if you recall, and I cycled just fine. It was such a blessing to feel like my body worked the way it was supposed to.

We have been talking more lately about where we are in our journey. We are coming up on year three and I feel tired. Tired of trying every cycle with not a single cycle with a confirmed positive. Cycle after cycle of hoping and optimism.

5 cycles of Clomid.
30 cycles of Metformin.
12 cycles of Femara.
5 IuI's.
2 cycles with Bravelle and trigger shot.
1 HSG.
Countless ultrasounds (transvaginal as well as regular)
So many needle pricks I don't even flinch any more

I know there are so many others who have been trying longer, done more meds or IVF's...I know I am not alone. I just feel tired. Crazy is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results...right?

So I am left wondering, where do we go now? Do I keep trying with Femara and IUI's? We can't afford IVF. It isn't even an option for us right now.

Do we move forward with doing foster care?

I know we will have children...someday. I will hold children in my arms that will call me mom. When and how, I have no idea. I don't know how to move forward when it hurts to consider not trying and hurts to consider continuing to try. It is just that place that is hard.

Great Article

I read this article today and it struck me. This article struck me because it is so real. It is my reality. I love my life but this journey is far harder than I anticipated 34 months ago.

"For the most part, I try to remain positive. I try to tell myself that everything happens for a reason and that, in time, I will get pregnant. And I mostly believe that.

But this journey wears on you. It breaks you down.

Since I began my road to motherhood over 19 months ago, my mind and body have changed.

I’m not that fully optimistic person I always was. I look at things with a grain of salt now. I don’t let my hopes get too high. I don’t necessarily expect the worst, but I do expect “not the greatest,” and I definitely no longer expect the best."

That quote speaks volumes to me. I was very optimistic about life before this, for the most part, and fertility issues have me expecting "not the greatest" all the time in my life now. I want to be optimistic and I want to be hopeful for my future. I try to be. I truly hope that one day soon I will be agin

http://www.babble.com/pregnancy/how-infertility-kills-your-self-esteem/

Why I Am Not Taking the ALS Challenge

Ok, I get it. I am so glad that this group found a way to raise awareness and money. What a great idea! 

With that said, I won't be taking the ALS challenge. 

It is not because I think it dumb or anything like that. I am just choosing to use my resources on social media and financially toward a cause that speaks to my heart, infertility.

 Did you know that 1 out of 8 people suffer from some form of infertility? Those numbers are staggering! Did you also know that most insurance companies don't cover any sort of infertility treatment? You want to do a seaman analysis? You pay $200. You want to get on fertility meds? You pay between $50-$1000 dollars a cycle, out of your own pocket to do it. You want ultrasounds on CD 3? Fork over $350 to pay for it just to see if your eggs are developing. There is no financial support to treat this condition. It is treated as if it is luxury to procreate and if you can't do it, oh well. 

That doesn't begin to cover the emotional stress of infertility. People don't understand it and say things like, "when are you going have kids?" or "have you tried...?" and  "Well my sisters friend had infertility issues and then they adopted and got pregnant. Why don't you just adopt?"

The roller coaster of emotions that you run through each cycle range from hopefulness, excitement, fear, depression, self loathing, anger, anxiety and resignation. Sometimes all in one day. Not just because of the hormones you are taking or the stress. 

I support those who choose to donate and take the ALS Challenge. I applaud the genius who came up with the idea. I just also know that there many other causes out there who need the same kind of exposure and support and I choose to take the challenge to help those who don't have the same kind of media coverage that ALS currently does. 

13 DPO

Tomorrow is 14 dpo. Such a day full of emotion and anxiety. A part of me screams to test and maybe this will be the month. Then, the more logical side of me says, "don't bother to take a test, it will be negative just like every other month."

So...

That means I will go back and forth until tomorrow morning. Last cycle last 35 days with a 17 day LP so I have at least 3 more days until I should expect much.

You Know How Infertility Feels?

I know that everyones journey having children is different. My mother was as fertile as they could be, she popped out 8 kids and didn't have problems conceiving. 

I have a friend who can get pregnant but can't seem to keep pregnant. She does all she can but just can't stay pregnant. 

I have friends who are among the normal women out there who gets pregnant after a few months.

I love all of these women. I want to make that very clear.

When I hear people tell me, either because they aren't aware of my infertility struggles or they just don't understand, that they got pregnant the first month they tried and "It was so hard!" I struggle with all my might to not scream.  Or someone who cries to me that they understand how I feel because it took 3 months to get pregnant. 

I understand everyone has a different journey but I have to tell you, I hate hearing things like that. Have you had to give yourself shots, taken all kind of pill combinations, had IUI's, blood draws and more internal ultrasounds than is fair. I have had more people poking around between my legs than I can count on two hands. I have paid thousands of dollars to doctors just for the CHANCE to have children. 

Be aware and be sensitive to those around you. I am ok with people being fertile as long as they are grateful around me and complain to someone else. When the girl who tells me that one month was hard to try to get pregnant, I smile and say "Yeah, I know." and change the subject. 

I scream inside but I'm still nice and silently hate that is was so easy for her.

Green with Envy

I have so many things that I want to say to express and it is so many that I am at a loss of how to start.

People around me are always pregant. It's just like and the time of life that I am in. For the most part I just scream inside and happily discuss baby stuff. It's not that I am not happy for my pregnant friends, I am just insanely jealous. Green with envy.

I listen to others complain about being pregnant or getting pregnant before they were ready and it is all I can do to not scream in their face "BUT YOU ARE! I WOULD GIVE ANYTHING TO BE PREGNANT!". But that is rude and inconsiderate.

I know that no one out there is trying to upset me or to seem ungrateful but when want something so bad and others seem to take it for granted, I lose it. Not that people can't complain about being miserable, they can, just know that there is someone out there envying the morning sickness, the tiredness, the backaches...all of it.

It's Up

My blog post about my infertility is up on my friend Liv's blog. It's slightly scary being so completely open about it but I truly have to believe that it will help someone else and help me.

http://www.livwrites.com/2013/05/nicholes-infertility-journey.html?spref=tw&m=1

Opportunity

A friend of mine asked me to contribute on her blog about my infertility. I was honored and very unsure what to write. How do I explain something so personal and heartbreaking? How could I possibly even begin to describe what this journey is like?

So I wrote and re-wrote what I wanted to say. I finally sent off a draft I felt finally had some semblance of a very small portion of my experience. But, let me make this very clear, there is no way to really put into words how I feel or how this affects my sweet husband and I.  I am hopeful that this is a cathartic and emotionally positive experience for me. 

Or at least it is an opportunity to help someone else feel less alone. To realize that they are not alone in their infertility journey.