What to do...

So, my femara prescription ran out last month. So on CD 3, which was Labor Day, I couldn't taking it to start another cycle. I had intended to call the RE and get a refill but, I didn't. I just forgot. So we are doing a natural cycle this time. We did a natural cycle in July, if you recall, and I cycled just fine. It was such a blessing to feel like my body worked the way it was supposed to.

We have been talking more lately about where we are in our journey. We are coming up on year three and I feel tired. Tired of trying every cycle with not a single cycle with a confirmed positive. Cycle after cycle of hoping and optimism.

5 cycles of Clomid.
30 cycles of Metformin.
12 cycles of Femara.
5 IuI's.
2 cycles with Bravelle and trigger shot.
1 HSG.
Countless ultrasounds (transvaginal as well as regular)
So many needle pricks I don't even flinch any more

I know there are so many others who have been trying longer, done more meds or IVF's...I know I am not alone. I just feel tired. Crazy is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results...right?

So I am left wondering, where do we go now? Do I keep trying with Femara and IUI's? We can't afford IVF. It isn't even an option for us right now.

Do we move forward with doing foster care?

I know we will have children...someday. I will hold children in my arms that will call me mom. When and how, I have no idea. I don't know how to move forward when it hurts to consider not trying and hurts to consider continuing to try. It is just that place that is hard.

Optimistic

I recently ovulated. Something everyone needs to know.  My body feels the ovulation by way of cramps every cycle and about two day after, exhaustion sets in. I can hardly stay awake. It is a side affect from hormones but it kills me. I also suffer from bouts of vertigo and I am often caught off guard by them. 

I am at a unique stage in a cycle. I am hopeful that this could be the month, that magically that sperm finds that egg that is good quality and it sticks. I am optimistic and excited. I like this part of the cycle. I wish I could be in this state of mind more often. 

Fertility Woes

The first IUI failed. It was one of the hardest things to realize that it had not worked.

All of our testing came back as we suspected, the hubs is great. I on the other hand have all the problems we knew and a few more. I have a low ovarian reserve, which means I don't have many eggs left which is not surprising because of when I started menstruating. It is so hard to want know that with every month I lose eggs and with that the chance to have children. Even with fertility meds, it doesn't increase the quality of eggs, just the number I produce each month.

We went in for our CD3 ultrasound and found that my lining had shaped up nicely. It was at an 11 the month before and was at 6 this month, which is a huge reduction and the dr was very encouraged by that. We also saw a lot of follicles on the right ovary which looked great. On the left we found 3 cysts. Not really happy about that. We were concerned that we would have to go on birth control for a few months to clean out the cysts but the doctor said they looked small enough to be able to go ahead with the next cycle. Which was a relief.

We are super hopeful that this cycle will be the one that worked. We will find out right around our anniversary if it worked.

Side affects

I have enjoyed the side effects of clomid. Or I should say that I have lived through them.

-hot flashes. I feel like an old woman who is so hot one minute and freezing the next. At any given time. Sweat dripping off my face at the grocery store had nothing to do with my choice of tomatoes.

-mood swings. I am prone to these anyway with the hormone issues they diagnosed me with. It was hard to imagine them worse. Oh boy was I wrong. I can cry one minute that I don't see my husband EVER and in two seconds he can make me so mad I want to scream. Then giggle and then start all over again.

-nausea. Oh, what doesn't make me queasy. I was so nauseated the first day that if I sat still and no one moved or talked I would be ok, but if they did, my head felt like it would explode from the sheer force of the gut wrenching vomit.

-insomnia. To which I am also no stranger. So added to my already issued sleep schedule, this. (Plus hot flashes at night)

-timed baby dancing. Talk about taking the fun and enjoyment out of it.

Getting pregnant will be worth it. Having a baby won't be as terrifying as I imagine (just the labor, the baby is fine). I'll suffer through this for the next three months or until I get pregnant.

Ah, Hormones

So, the clomid is interesting. I have serious hot flashes and am a little moody while I take it. In the end, if we get a baby out of it, it is 100% worth it to me.

The idea of multiples is kind of exciting and scary to me. We want multiples but it is scary to suddenly have more than one baby. And a lot more work. We would welcome children into our family, no matter how they came.

We are hoping that the clomid works quickly so I don't have to take it too many times, or resort to more advanced fertility drugs. Keep your fingers crossed for us.