What to do...

So, my femara prescription ran out last month. So on CD 3, which was Labor Day, I couldn't taking it to start another cycle. I had intended to call the RE and get a refill but, I didn't. I just forgot. So we are doing a natural cycle this time. We did a natural cycle in July, if you recall, and I cycled just fine. It was such a blessing to feel like my body worked the way it was supposed to.

We have been talking more lately about where we are in our journey. We are coming up on year three and I feel tired. Tired of trying every cycle with not a single cycle with a confirmed positive. Cycle after cycle of hoping and optimism.

5 cycles of Clomid.
30 cycles of Metformin.
12 cycles of Femara.
5 IuI's.
2 cycles with Bravelle and trigger shot.
1 HSG.
Countless ultrasounds (transvaginal as well as regular)
So many needle pricks I don't even flinch any more

I know there are so many others who have been trying longer, done more meds or IVF's...I know I am not alone. I just feel tired. Crazy is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results...right?

So I am left wondering, where do we go now? Do I keep trying with Femara and IUI's? We can't afford IVF. It isn't even an option for us right now.

Do we move forward with doing foster care?

I know we will have children...someday. I will hold children in my arms that will call me mom. When and how, I have no idea. I don't know how to move forward when it hurts to consider not trying and hurts to consider continuing to try. It is just that place that is hard.

Maybe It Does Matter

I started my period and had my kidney stones on CD1. With the surgery and all the meds, being on the femara this month wasn't an option. At the time I was ok with it, I hurt and I just wanted to not hurt, not much else mattered. Now, maybe it does.

I have lost almost 30 pounds since the type 2 Diabetes diagnosis and I have been taking the metformin very regularly. I have high hopes that this will be the miracle month that I ovulate on my own. It could happen right? While we are at it lets hope this is also the miracle month we finally conceive.

I just feel like after the diabetes diagnosis I fought hard to get back on my feet, change my life and work hard to make my body work the best it can. Then I finally feel like July is the cycle that we can get going with fertility again and my body freaks out and tries to pass giant kidney stones. I can't catch a break.

Maybe it is a good thing, I must need this break but I hate that it is forced on me and not by choice.

Back to the ER

I feel like my body is out to get me. Yesterday was a hard day, my pain meds just weren't working like they were supposed to. So I took some pain pills and went to bed last night. Woke up at 4 to take more pain meds but it was down hill from there. I just had horrible pain since then and ended up back in the ER this morning. 

I am tired of the ER. 

I vomited a few times on my way in the door. My kidney was infected and I had a UTI. 

For real? FOR REAL?!

I can't possibly tell you how defeated I feel right now. I am close to being better but I am going to just give up today. I am bound to feel better by tomorrow. I big dose of IV drugs makes all the difference.

The worst part is that because of the timing we have to take this month of fertility. We just did the HSG and are supposed to have increased fertility for a few months and now I can't even take Femara, the easiest fertility drug. So sad.