What to do...

So, my femara prescription ran out last month. So on CD 3, which was Labor Day, I couldn't taking it to start another cycle. I had intended to call the RE and get a refill but, I didn't. I just forgot. So we are doing a natural cycle this time. We did a natural cycle in July, if you recall, and I cycled just fine. It was such a blessing to feel like my body worked the way it was supposed to.

We have been talking more lately about where we are in our journey. We are coming up on year three and I feel tired. Tired of trying every cycle with not a single cycle with a confirmed positive. Cycle after cycle of hoping and optimism.

5 cycles of Clomid.
30 cycles of Metformin.
12 cycles of Femara.
5 IuI's.
2 cycles with Bravelle and trigger shot.
1 HSG.
Countless ultrasounds (transvaginal as well as regular)
So many needle pricks I don't even flinch any more

I know there are so many others who have been trying longer, done more meds or IVF's...I know I am not alone. I just feel tired. Crazy is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results...right?

So I am left wondering, where do we go now? Do I keep trying with Femara and IUI's? We can't afford IVF. It isn't even an option for us right now.

Do we move forward with doing foster care?

I know we will have children...someday. I will hold children in my arms that will call me mom. When and how, I have no idea. I don't know how to move forward when it hurts to consider not trying and hurts to consider continuing to try. It is just that place that is hard.

It's Up

My blog post about my infertility is up on my friend Liv's blog. It's slightly scary being so completely open about it but I truly have to believe that it will help someone else and help me.

http://www.livwrites.com/2013/05/nicholes-infertility-journey.html?spref=tw&m=1

Opportunity

A friend of mine asked me to contribute on her blog about my infertility. I was honored and very unsure what to write. How do I explain something so personal and heartbreaking? How could I possibly even begin to describe what this journey is like?

So I wrote and re-wrote what I wanted to say. I finally sent off a draft I felt finally had some semblance of a very small portion of my experience. But, let me make this very clear, there is no way to really put into words how I feel or how this affects my sweet husband and I.  I am hopeful that this is a cathartic and emotionally positive experience for me. 

Or at least it is an opportunity to help someone else feel less alone. To realize that they are not alone in their infertility journey.

Side affects

I upped my dosage of clomid and it is kicking my butt. I know it is for a good purpose, but I am so tired of nausea.

Rough Patch

We took a break in February and just enjoyed each other and life. It was good for us. Hard to let go a little but so good.

I had some set backs this month with my cycle and had to have another round of tests. If I have one more pelvic exam I may just die. I hate them so much! And so many tests...ttc is the worst in that way.

So, I have started on provera (simulated progesterone) to start my period. Then on to the next dosage up of clomid, 100mg. I am so not looking forward to the side affects but am looking forward to this month being a good one. I have great hopes that I will get my BFP soon.

Hard Blessings

It's been a rough week. In good and bad ways.

I have two best friends who mean the world to me. I trust them and love them both so much. In the last few weeks, both have shared the wonderful news that they are pregnant.

I am so excited for both of them. One is having her first and the other her fourth. I was so happy to share in their news. And, sadly, conflicted with sadness and frustration.

While I was so happy for them there was a part of me that cried out, "not fair!". We have been doing everything right, temping, met, clomid, tracking cm and the giant prenatals. We have been trying for 15 months and have come up short over and over. I cried that I couldn't share in this with them. I cried that my dream seemed to be happening for everyone but me.

It will hurt until it is my turn. But, I will also be so happy and excited for those around me. My sadness in not being pregnant in no way affects my happiness for those around me that are.

One In The Gut

This has been rhe worst week.

Yesterday I fell apart and just let it consume me. I cried and cried.

We didn't get the house we really wanted.

This round of clomid did not work.

Other things happened but those two were big things. I know neither is the end of the world. I know things will work out. I also know that I needed the time to mourn another failed cycle and the reality that we have to start over on the house hunt.

I just feel pushed around and beaten up. I'll be fine, push through and be optimistic again soon. But for today, I will snuggle up with the hubs and cry and just get it out.

Then I'll go back to being strong.

Sick

I love my hubs. So much.

He is sick. Very sick. He has the flu and has been miserable. We finally got the fever to under 100 regularly (down from 103!!) and medicine from the dr.

The one major problem we still have...sleeping. He wakes up 3 or 4 times a night, coughing up a lung and with the chills. I am a light sleeper and Everytime he wakes up, I wake up. It makes me so angry! I want to bad to sleep through the night so I don't get so sick.

He wakes up, goes to the bathroom, turns on all the lights, coughs and then comes back to bed. I have to remind him to go take more medicine so he can sleep.

And he isn't taking naps. Which is all I want to do.

And while there is always a chance that the clomid worked this cycle, I'm betting against it. Which seems like such a waste of a cycle. When we pay to be extra fertile it really makes my heart hurt to feel like we wasted a cycle. Especially because paying for a cycle takes all the fun and closeness out of the process.

And I have felt so sad to hear about so many new babies to families who seem to quickly and easily add to themselves. I'm happy for them, just jealous at the ease which it happens for them and how lucky they are to not experience the heartbreak of infertility.

In other news, while at the dr a few days back I hopped on the scale and I had lost another 5 lbs this month. Yippee!

Small victories are what I have to collect to win this war.

Pill Popper

Trying to conceive is hard. Not just on me. We want kids so badly and it hurts to have no control.

I feel like there is something wrong with me that I can't accomplish this, the most basic of human functions. It's not that others make me feel bad, it's the disappointment that I have that is the hardest.

I feel bad that I take metformin twice a day to help my body do what it should, to regulate my hormones. Then, for 5 days each cycle I pop Clomid into the mix. To help me have more viable eggs and lengthen my luteal phase. I basically ingest all this stuff in hopes that a baby my be the end result.

All the while smiling and acting like each time I see a baby it doesn't hurt. I've gotten pretty good at that, sadly.

Until Today

I have always been aware that getting pregnant was not going to be easy for me. I have been realitively ok with the process an time it has taken so far. I have been fine with it all.

Until today.

A long time co-worker and friend of mine shared that she was pregnant. 16 weeks actually. I was so shocked and happy for her.

Then, out of the blue it was anguish. They hardly had to try and I am on 15 months of trying. I have been subjected to poking and prodding and tests. I daily take medicine to help me get pregant. I take fertility drugs that make me nauseated, emotional and exhausted. I called my husband and cried. And cried and cried.

I feel alone in this. I feel like "trying" has become a job for us. Each month we work a little harder and try something new. It just upsets me so much. I can't stand how angry and emotional I was. I hated how lonely I felt and how completely inadequate I suddenly felt. As those around me are excited about their babies I long to be given the chance.

I just needed to not be so alone in this today. I know that we are all in this place at some point and I really needed to know I had people, somewhere who understood my heartache.

I pray for patience, understanding and faith today. I pray to be prepared for
The day when I get to have children. I pray for the chance to be able to one day hold another woman up and listen with understanding ears as she weeps tears for the chance to be a mother too.

Tummy

My heightened hormones have my tummy on alert. I eat apple sauce, all the time. I don't mind apple sauce, I just don't want to eat it every meal.
Except about 8pm, when I want chocolate. Dark chocolate.
And I always want gingerale.

Side affects

I have enjoyed the side effects of clomid. Or I should say that I have lived through them.

-hot flashes. I feel like an old woman who is so hot one minute and freezing the next. At any given time. Sweat dripping off my face at the grocery store had nothing to do with my choice of tomatoes.

-mood swings. I am prone to these anyway with the hormone issues they diagnosed me with. It was hard to imagine them worse. Oh boy was I wrong. I can cry one minute that I don't see my husband EVER and in two seconds he can make me so mad I want to scream. Then giggle and then start all over again.

-nausea. Oh, what doesn't make me queasy. I was so nauseated the first day that if I sat still and no one moved or talked I would be ok, but if they did, my head felt like it would explode from the sheer force of the gut wrenching vomit.

-insomnia. To which I am also no stranger. So added to my already issued sleep schedule, this. (Plus hot flashes at night)

-timed baby dancing. Talk about taking the fun and enjoyment out of it.

Getting pregnant will be worth it. Having a baby won't be as terrifying as I imagine (just the labor, the baby is fine). I'll suffer through this for the next three months or until I get pregnant.

Ah, Hormones

So, the clomid is interesting. I have serious hot flashes and am a little moody while I take it. In the end, if we get a baby out of it, it is 100% worth it to me.

The idea of multiples is kind of exciting and scary to me. We want multiples but it is scary to suddenly have more than one baby. And a lot more work. We would welcome children into our family, no matter how they came.

We are hoping that the clomid works quickly so I don't have to take it too many times, or resort to more advanced fertility drugs. Keep your fingers crossed for us.

Oh, My

It has been a while since I posted. I know. Life has been busy and hectic and I have been lazy.

But, I am posting now.

We have been trying to start a family for a year. We have loved just being us and enjoying the getting to be together phase. We have also wanted to expand our family too. We have beenmonitered by my dr and had all kinds of tests done. We knew I had PCOS when we started but it got worse in the last year. I have had to start taking med daily and while they have made a huge difference it is still not doing enough.

So, this week, we started Clomid. Yep, fertility drugs are in our life. It's wonderful to know we are moving forward in our journey and scary at the same time. There are all kinds of concerns that come with this too.

I get nauseated with almost every drug I take. I found one antihistamine that works without side affect. One. And pain killers are hardly worth taking because I get to sick to my stomach.

Clomid is no different.

I am so sick I could die. If I sit still it isn't so bad. The problem is I can sit through this week. Also, I am already a cryer. I cry all the time. I cried today because my husband offered to throw out food in the fridge that had passed its prime. Not sad that we hadn't eaten it, or mad that he brought it up, but because he is the best husband in the whole world because he would do that for me.

I need to get a grip. I need it to be Saturday. I need to be pregnant so I don't have to take this again.

Realistically, I know the chances of one cycle being enough is slim. Slim indeed but for once, can't I be the positive exception?