Positives and Negatives

I'm 10 dpo. With nausea and a nasty headache. My first thoughts because I have been on the TTC train for so long is "maybe this it, maybe this is the month!" and then the more realistic voice in my head reminds me that nausea is normal for me at the point in a cycle and headaches can be from so many things.

I hate the optimism of the two week wait but I also hate how negative I have become.

Side affects

I upped my dosage of clomid and it is kicking my butt. I know it is for a good purpose, but I am so tired of nausea.

The reconciling

The hubs and I enjoyed a game night with friends and then a lazy morning with no alarms. We woke up and chatted about life and plans and memories of the last few years.
It was easy and fun. It was calm and beautiful. It was perfect,
We want kids, more than anything. I pump my body full of hormones and meds for the chance to get pregnant. But...
I love where we are. I love waking up next to my sweetheart, to smile as he puts his arm around me as we talk about everything. I love the calmness and happiness that just being together gives us.
I am ok with where we are, because it is such a sweet place. I sometimes feel bad that I am ok with where we are, even though we ache for kids. It is hard reconcile those two places and feelings in life.
For today, being with my husband is enough. Together we are enough.

Not Alone

As I have become more open with my infertility people have come forward sharing their journey's and pain with me. It has been such an interesting thing. I feel so bad for those also going through it and want to offer them support and want to wish them all the "Baby Dust" (which is a term we use in the TTC world) and a BFP (big fat positive) soon. And that is exactly what they are doing for me.

I feel so loved and supported.

I have so many people praying for us, who are hoping that we will finally get pregnant. They always offer support and prayers and say that we would be great parents. which is so nice and kind, and frustrating.

It just feels good to realize how loved I am and that I am not alone.

N-a-u-s-e-a

Oh, the worst feeling in my life at the moment, nausea. New med dosages have me so nauseated I am using all kinds of methods to help me feel better.

I am tired of lemon drops, ginger ale, sea bands...all the teas...ick.

Rough Patch

We took a break in February and just enjoyed each other and life. It was good for us. Hard to let go a little but so good.

I had some set backs this month with my cycle and had to have another round of tests. If I have one more pelvic exam I may just die. I hate them so much! And so many tests...ttc is the worst in that way.

So, I have started on provera (simulated progesterone) to start my period. Then on to the next dosage up of clomid, 100mg. I am so not looking forward to the side affects but am looking forward to this month being a good one. I have great hopes that I will get my BFP soon.

Pill Popper

Trying to conceive is hard. Not just on me. We want kids so badly and it hurts to have no control.

I feel like there is something wrong with me that I can't accomplish this, the most basic of human functions. It's not that others make me feel bad, it's the disappointment that I have that is the hardest.

I feel bad that I take metformin twice a day to help my body do what it should, to regulate my hormones. Then, for 5 days each cycle I pop Clomid into the mix. To help me have more viable eggs and lengthen my luteal phase. I basically ingest all this stuff in hopes that a baby my be the end result.

All the while smiling and acting like each time I see a baby it doesn't hurt. I've gotten pretty good at that, sadly.