One Week

Today it has been a week. I week since I was with my child.

I have cried an prayed and pondered so much in the last week. I have asked why, I have asked to help me have more faith in the plan and I have prayed to have my heart softened.

I have prayed to have patience with Jared, who is only trying to help me. I am irritable and in pain which often means I am snappy with my sweet husband. I know he is hurting to and I try to be mindful of that.

I try to sleep. I have a hard time going to sleep. I know that being awake is hard but if I go to sleep I am one day further away from that baby. I am one day further from feeling like I was going to be a mother.

It has been a longer recovery than we anticipated. I am bruised from my belly button down and it hurts to move. The stitches burn and my insides ache. It is a constant reminder of what happened.

I cry. I cry a lot.

I feel like I took the opportunity to be a Father from Jared. I know in my head that there was nothing I could do, nothing I did...but it doesn't change how my heart feels sometimes.

I am focusing on being grateful. Grateful I am alive. Grateful for such a sweet husband who has been amazing. Grateful for friends and family and their prayers. I am grateful that one day, when I have healed, we may have the chance to be parents.

The Hulk

One of my favorite movie story lines is from The Avengers. Everyone wants to know how the hulk can manage to keep the beast from taking over. He evades the question over and over until eventually he tells everyone his secret, "I'm angry all the time." Seems odd that I can relate to that but, I do. I am not angry all the time but I am always aware of my frustration and sadness about our infertility. There are days when I am normal and things don't bug me. Then there are days when the little thing triggers everything and the beast takes over. I am sad and angry and have no patience. I can blame the fertility meds that change dosage and kinds regularly. I can blame stress. I know that I need to learn to "cage the beast" that is always waiting just under the surface. Please don't hold that beast against me when I lose it. Realize I don't like who it makes me and I struggle daily with keeping it in check. It is hard every day but I am trying and I am getting better, I hope.