Oh my, it has been a few weeks. I had some very serious and emotionally charged situations that required a great deal of my time and energy. I let a lot fall by the wayside in an effort to best handle and help.
I even slacked on my fitness blog! You know it is serious then.
I think I have grown a lot in the last few weeks. In ways no one should have to but I am so grateful that I am able to get something out of it. You have to find something to get out of your bad experiences or what were they worth? It is a pain but I have learned so much.
1) I can deal with things I think are way beyond my mental capacity. I am calm in crisis and save the breakdowns for a day or two later after the initial shock. I don't know if that is the best way to handle things, but it is how I do it.
2) That there will be evil in the most unlikely places. You have to always be prepared. While there is also evil, there is the saving grace of our saviors love. He suffered all our pain both physical and emotional and there is immense joy and peace knowing that. What a blessing to know that the Lord blessed us with an older brother who knows all our pain!
3) Wisdom and maturity are two different things. To be blessed with both is an awesome blessing.
4) I am too busy living my life to be aware of the "lack of's" in my life. My greatest blessing.
5) That we are often blessed in the most unexpected ways.
6) That service in the time of crisis is the hardest and best thing I have ever done and have received.
7) Every child should be loved. I have been reminded how important adoption is and how much I want to be a part of it.
9) That I am loved beyond measure. That I am rallied around and buoyed up in my times of need by the people who love me. I am humbled and forever grateful.
10) That hate, holding a grudge and perpetuating bad feelings/relationships is poison. It will only eat away at you and make you miserable. I have sadly done/felt all of these things and the burden that has been lifted by letting it go has been amazing.
It is always darkest before the dawn and I have a feeling there is dawn coming.
Showing posts with label Trials. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Trials. Show all posts
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Soundtrack to My Life
Music just grabs at my soul. I know I am not the only one. Sometimes music puts words to feelings I had but couldn't start to figure out how to say. I am always looking for new interesting music and am not disappointed by a few of my favorites. There are just a few people who always get me with their lyrics and I know I can browse my library of stuff from these two or three people/groups and come up with something to fit my mood. Always.
Currently:
Lighting strikes
inside, my chest to keep me up at night
to dream of ways
to make you understand my pain...
Drop his name
push it in and twist the knife again
watch my face
as I pretend to feel no pain...
How come the only way to see how high you get me
is to see how far I fall
God only knows how much I'd love you if you'd let me
but I can't break through it all...
Good to know it's all a game
disappointment has a name, it's heartbreak warfare...
I belt these lyrics out at the top my lungs, tears streaming down my face with a few names running through my head. I love that these lyrics can say exactly what I am feeling right now.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Hard Days
It has been a long emotional week. Details aren't needed, but everything hurt this week.
I would cry at the drop of hat, I had less patience at work, needed more sleep than my body would give and my migraine is still pounding away.
I was reminded a few times today though, that this is worth it. All the crazy, hard days are worth it.
My road isn't clear to me, I don't know where I am going, but what I do know is that as long as I have faith and the strength to keep plugging away, it will work out.
The beauty is in the journey, even on the hard days.
I would cry at the drop of hat, I had less patience at work, needed more sleep than my body would give and my migraine is still pounding away.
I was reminded a few times today though, that this is worth it. All the crazy, hard days are worth it.
My road isn't clear to me, I don't know where I am going, but what I do know is that as long as I have faith and the strength to keep plugging away, it will work out.
The beauty is in the journey, even on the hard days.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Blessing in Trials
So, I have been on birth control for a few months now, trying to get my issues under control. I am all for doing all I can to save what little I have left to save, in hopes that I might one day have my own children, but can I just say that right about now, I am starting to look more closely at the option of just adopting when the time comes.
Without going into tons of detail, it's not working. Even being on the pill has not been enough to fix the problem. Each month I have high hopes, but am plagued by massive cramps, clotting and bleeding. As we try new methods I grow hopeful and then cry as they don't work.
I know that while I am not trying to have children right now, that it still is hard to think to the future when one day I will wish that I could and won't be able to. I am coming to grips with it now, and that is a blessing to know the complications and problems now so that it isn't a surprise later when I was trying, but is still heartbreaking. As a child you imagine and talk about when you will have your own "babies" and the reality that I won't be is hard.
I watch friends and sisters have children and I am so grateful for the blessings they are given, that they don't have to deal with this. I am grateful that I get time to deal with it before I have to cry at not getting pregnant. As hard as it is, it is a blessing. I will be able to sympathize and comfort those who also share my heartbreak. How grateful I am for that.
Without going into tons of detail, it's not working. Even being on the pill has not been enough to fix the problem. Each month I have high hopes, but am plagued by massive cramps, clotting and bleeding. As we try new methods I grow hopeful and then cry as they don't work.
I know that while I am not trying to have children right now, that it still is hard to think to the future when one day I will wish that I could and won't be able to. I am coming to grips with it now, and that is a blessing to know the complications and problems now so that it isn't a surprise later when I was trying, but is still heartbreaking. As a child you imagine and talk about when you will have your own "babies" and the reality that I won't be is hard.
I watch friends and sisters have children and I am so grateful for the blessings they are given, that they don't have to deal with this. I am grateful that I get time to deal with it before I have to cry at not getting pregnant. As hard as it is, it is a blessing. I will be able to sympathize and comfort those who also share my heartbreak. How grateful I am for that.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Excuse Me
I never broke bones growing up. I had a bump, a bruise, a scrape and cried a few tears but that was the extent of my injuries. When I was 5 I busted my lower lip and needed stitches...that stunk. I busted my knee at work once and had to have it scoped, not fun.
After a car accident I had a sling and that put a cramp in my style. I took a spill on the ice a couple times and strained a knee. And last year I had fell on the ice and hurt my back. I was in bed for a few weeks dealing with that pain.
And a few weeks ago on my birthday, I broke the middle finger on my right hand. You would be surprised at how much you rely on that one little finger.
All in all I have managed to succeed in being relatively injury free.
Until now.
My great plans to run that 5k have been dashed. On Friday after my run I had this pain in my leg and I thought maybe I had stepped wrong or something. I kinda brushed it off in that moment. A few minutes later I couldn't brush it off. On my way home I was in tears pushing the clutch in and letting it out. Something was very wrong.
I am so upset! It hurts like crazy and being up on it too much kills. So guess who broke their leg? If you guessed me, you would be right. I have a stress fracture in my left leg. I am super bummed.
So this means no 5k in May. BUT it does not mean that I am not doing a 5k. I just have to push it back a few months. I have to wait about 8 weeks before I can run again so I am just doing low impact starting next week, depending on my leg. Weights with the upper body until I can do anything that is weight bearing. I am so annoyed. I really just want to run!
So, excuse me as I complain. I think that maybe this time, it is truly warranted.
Oh, and be watching Modern Eclectics for a giveaway or two...
After a car accident I had a sling and that put a cramp in my style. I took a spill on the ice a couple times and strained a knee. And last year I had fell on the ice and hurt my back. I was in bed for a few weeks dealing with that pain.
And a few weeks ago on my birthday, I broke the middle finger on my right hand. You would be surprised at how much you rely on that one little finger.
All in all I have managed to succeed in being relatively injury free.
Until now.
My great plans to run that 5k have been dashed. On Friday after my run I had this pain in my leg and I thought maybe I had stepped wrong or something. I kinda brushed it off in that moment. A few minutes later I couldn't brush it off. On my way home I was in tears pushing the clutch in and letting it out. Something was very wrong.
I am so upset! It hurts like crazy and being up on it too much kills. So guess who broke their leg? If you guessed me, you would be right. I have a stress fracture in my left leg. I am super bummed.
So this means no 5k in May. BUT it does not mean that I am not doing a 5k. I just have to push it back a few months. I have to wait about 8 weeks before I can run again so I am just doing low impact starting next week, depending on my leg. Weights with the upper body until I can do anything that is weight bearing. I am so annoyed. I really just want to run!
So, excuse me as I complain. I think that maybe this time, it is truly warranted.
Oh, and be watching Modern Eclectics for a giveaway or two...
Monday, December 1, 2008
Miracles
The holiday season always makes me thoughtful. I am more prone to tears and heart warming stories. I am crier anyway, but cry more during the holiday season. So, when I got this little story I reluctantly read it. And, in true form, I was crying by the end. Please read it and then listen to my story.
****
In September 1960, I woke up one morning with six hungry babies and just 75 cents in my pocket. Their father was gone.
The boys ranged from three months to seven years; their sister was two. Their Dad had never been much more than a presence they feared. Whenever they heard his tires crunch on the gravel driveway they would scramble to hide under their beds.
He did manage to leave $15 a week to buy groceries.
Now that he had decided to leave, there would be no more beatings, but no food either. If there was a welfare system in effect in southern Indiana at that time, I certainly knew nothing about it.
I scrubbed the kids until they looked brand new and then put on my best homemade dress, loaded them into the rusty old 51 Chevy and drove off to find a job. The seven of us went to every factory, store and restaurant in our small town.
No luck.
The kids stayed crammed into the car and tried to be quiet while I tried to convince who ever would listen that I was willing to learn or do anything. I had to have a job.
Still no luck. The last place we went to, just a few miles out of town, was an old Root Beer Barrel drive-in t hat had been converted to a truck stop. It was called the Big Wheel. An old lady named Granny owned the place and she peeked out of the window from time to time at all those kids. She needed someone on the graveyard shift, 11 at night until seven in the morning. She paid 65 cents an hour, and I could start that night.
I raced home and called the teenager down the street that baby-sat for people. I bargained with her to come and sleep on my sofa for a dollar a night. She could arrive with her pajamas on and the kids would already be asleep. This seemed like a good arrangement to her, so we made a deal.
That night when the little ones and I knelt to say our prayers, we all thanked God for finding Mommy a job. And so I started at the Big Wheel.
When I got home in the mornings I woke the baby-sitter up and sent her home with one dollar of my tip money-- fully half of what I averaged every night. As the weeks went by, heating bills added a strain to my meager wage.
The tires on the old Chevy had the consistency of penny balloons and began to leak. I had to fill them with air on the way to work and again every morning before I could go home.
One bleak fall morning, I dragged myself to the car to go home and found four tires in the back seat. New tires! There was no note, no nothing, just those beautiful brand new tires.
Had angels taken up residence in Indiana? I wondered.
I made a deal with the local service station. In exchange for his mounting the new tires, I would clean up his office. I remember it took me a lot longer to scrub his floor than it did for him to do the tires.
I was now working six nights instead of five and it still wasn't enough. Christmas was coming and I knew there would be no money for toys for the kids. I found a can of red paint and started repairing and painting some old toys. Then I hid them in the basement so there would be something for Santa to deliver on Christmas morning.
Clothes were a worry too. I was sewing patches on top of patches on the boys pants and soon they would be too far gone to repair.
On Christmas Eve the usual customers were drinking coffee in the Big Wheel. There were the truckers, Les, Frank, and Jim, and a state trooper named Joe.
A few musicians were hanging around after a gig at the Legion and were dropping nickels in the pinball machine. The regulars all just sat around and talked through the wee hours of the morning and then left to get home before the sun came up.
When it was time for me to go home at seven o'clock on Christmas morning, to my amazement, my old battered Chevy was filled full to the top with boxes of all shapes and sizes. I quickly opened the driver's side door, crawled inside and kneeled in the front facing the back seat. Reaching back, I pulled off the lid of the top box. Inside was whole case of little blue jeans, sizes 2-10! I looked inside another box: It was full of shirts to go with the jeans.
Then I peeked inside some of the other boxes. There was candy and nuts and bananas and bags of groceries. There was an enormous ham for baking, and canned vegetables and potatoes. There was pudding and Jell-O and cookies, pie filling and flour. There was whole bag of laundry supplies and cleaning items.
And there were five toy trucks and one beautiful little doll.
As I drove back through empty streets as the sun slowly rose on the most amazing Christmas Day of my life, I was sobbing with gratitude. And I will never forget the joy on the faces of my little ones that precious morning.
Yes, there were angels in Indiana that long-ago December. And they all hung out at the Big Wheel truck stop....
THE POWER OF PRAYER. I believe that God only gives three answers to prayer:
1. 'Yes!'
2. 'Not yet.'
3. 'I have something better in mind.'
You maybe going through a tough time right now but God is getting ready to bless you in a way that you cannot imagine.
This prayer is powerful, and prayer is one of the best gifts we receive. There is no cost but a lot of rewards. Let's continue to pray for one another.
***
What a sweet story of a family in need getting just enough to get by. The mother working her hardest to do what she could and having those around seeing her need and helping when and where they could.
I have experienced miracles in the last few months that while don't pull at the heart stings in the same ways, are just as much a miracle to me.
When I lost my job in March I thought I would find a way to make it work, and I did until July. Then I lost another job and I struggled to find a way to make one very part time job cover the costs of living. Not to mention the thousands of dollars I sunk into a car that never did work again. My family began to have problems. I began to feel like the world was crashing in on me and that I couldn't do anything to make it work.
And the miracles began.
In August an envelope with my name on it found it's way to my house, with $200 in cash in it. Just enough to pay my bills. I struck a deal with Logan, I would cook for him in exchange he would buy my food. One less worry, I could eat.
In September, I worked hard and got extra hours at work and did a few side jobs, almost enough to make it through the month. I pinched pennies and worked my hardest to make everyone believe I had it under control. And I almost did. I hate admitting that I struggled as much as I did.
In October things got messy. Someone paid my rent for me, I still don't know who. Family problems exploded. I spent many days and nights worrying that I wouldn't be able to make things work out. I applied for 4 or 5 jobs a day and nothing ever seemed to pan out. I spent hours on my knee's begging for some sort of respite from the worry and stress. Not to mention the heartache I didn't think I had the heart for anymore. Many tears and hugs filled that month for me.
November I began to see light. The miracle of the cars graced my life. A car for cheap came into my life and through many miracles, it sits in my driveway. And then someone came and bought my old car, not anywhere near what I put into it, but enough that it made the stress of the last month melt away. I can pay all my bills and be ok. I also was blessed with a job. Not the most glamorous, but a job. I had the blessing of a tremendous bout of answered prayers from my Father in Heaven and great friends. And just last week, a few extra bucks showed up in my mail box.
When I have felt like I couldn't make it another day, when there was less than nothing in my bank account and when I felt the most alone, I was blessed. I was given what I needed. I had miracles happen.
I don't have much, and I can't surprise anyone with four new tires or cash, but I want to be the miracle in someone else's life. I want to be looking for the people who could use what I have to offer. I want to be able to help be the lord's hands this holiday season and through the rest of my life.
****
In September 1960, I woke up one morning with six hungry babies and just 75 cents in my pocket. Their father was gone.
The boys ranged from three months to seven years; their sister was two. Their Dad had never been much more than a presence they feared. Whenever they heard his tires crunch on the gravel driveway they would scramble to hide under their beds.
He did manage to leave $15 a week to buy groceries.
Now that he had decided to leave, there would be no more beatings, but no food either. If there was a welfare system in effect in southern Indiana at that time, I certainly knew nothing about it.
I scrubbed the kids until they looked brand new and then put on my best homemade dress, loaded them into the rusty old 51 Chevy and drove off to find a job. The seven of us went to every factory, store and restaurant in our small town.
No luck.
The kids stayed crammed into the car and tried to be quiet while I tried to convince who ever would listen that I was willing to learn or do anything. I had to have a job.
Still no luck. The last place we went to, just a few miles out of town, was an old Root Beer Barrel drive-in t hat had been converted to a truck stop. It was called the Big Wheel. An old lady named Granny owned the place and she peeked out of the window from time to time at all those kids. She needed someone on the graveyard shift, 11 at night until seven in the morning. She paid 65 cents an hour, and I could start that night.
I raced home and called the teenager down the street that baby-sat for people. I bargained with her to come and sleep on my sofa for a dollar a night. She could arrive with her pajamas on and the kids would already be asleep. This seemed like a good arrangement to her, so we made a deal.
That night when the little ones and I knelt to say our prayers, we all thanked God for finding Mommy a job. And so I started at the Big Wheel.
When I got home in the mornings I woke the baby-sitter up and sent her home with one dollar of my tip money-- fully half of what I averaged every night. As the weeks went by, heating bills added a strain to my meager wage.
The tires on the old Chevy had the consistency of penny balloons and began to leak. I had to fill them with air on the way to work and again every morning before I could go home.
One bleak fall morning, I dragged myself to the car to go home and found four tires in the back seat. New tires! There was no note, no nothing, just those beautiful brand new tires.
Had angels taken up residence in Indiana? I wondered.
I made a deal with the local service station. In exchange for his mounting the new tires, I would clean up his office. I remember it took me a lot longer to scrub his floor than it did for him to do the tires.
I was now working six nights instead of five and it still wasn't enough. Christmas was coming and I knew there would be no money for toys for the kids. I found a can of red paint and started repairing and painting some old toys. Then I hid them in the basement so there would be something for Santa to deliver on Christmas morning.
Clothes were a worry too. I was sewing patches on top of patches on the boys pants and soon they would be too far gone to repair.
On Christmas Eve the usual customers were drinking coffee in the Big Wheel. There were the truckers, Les, Frank, and Jim, and a state trooper named Joe.
A few musicians were hanging around after a gig at the Legion and were dropping nickels in the pinball machine. The regulars all just sat around and talked through the wee hours of the morning and then left to get home before the sun came up.
When it was time for me to go home at seven o'clock on Christmas morning, to my amazement, my old battered Chevy was filled full to the top with boxes of all shapes and sizes. I quickly opened the driver's side door, crawled inside and kneeled in the front facing the back seat. Reaching back, I pulled off the lid of the top box. Inside was whole case of little blue jeans, sizes 2-10! I looked inside another box: It was full of shirts to go with the jeans.
Then I peeked inside some of the other boxes. There was candy and nuts and bananas and bags of groceries. There was an enormous ham for baking, and canned vegetables and potatoes. There was pudding and Jell-O and cookies, pie filling and flour. There was whole bag of laundry supplies and cleaning items.
And there were five toy trucks and one beautiful little doll.
As I drove back through empty streets as the sun slowly rose on the most amazing Christmas Day of my life, I was sobbing with gratitude. And I will never forget the joy on the faces of my little ones that precious morning.
Yes, there were angels in Indiana that long-ago December. And they all hung out at the Big Wheel truck stop....
THE POWER OF PRAYER. I believe that God only gives three answers to prayer:
1. 'Yes!'
2. 'Not yet.'
3. 'I have something better in mind.'
You maybe going through a tough time right now but God is getting ready to bless you in a way that you cannot imagine.
This prayer is powerful, and prayer is one of the best gifts we receive. There is no cost but a lot of rewards. Let's continue to pray for one another.
***
What a sweet story of a family in need getting just enough to get by. The mother working her hardest to do what she could and having those around seeing her need and helping when and where they could.
I have experienced miracles in the last few months that while don't pull at the heart stings in the same ways, are just as much a miracle to me.
When I lost my job in March I thought I would find a way to make it work, and I did until July. Then I lost another job and I struggled to find a way to make one very part time job cover the costs of living. Not to mention the thousands of dollars I sunk into a car that never did work again. My family began to have problems. I began to feel like the world was crashing in on me and that I couldn't do anything to make it work.
And the miracles began.
In August an envelope with my name on it found it's way to my house, with $200 in cash in it. Just enough to pay my bills. I struck a deal with Logan, I would cook for him in exchange he would buy my food. One less worry, I could eat.
In September, I worked hard and got extra hours at work and did a few side jobs, almost enough to make it through the month. I pinched pennies and worked my hardest to make everyone believe I had it under control. And I almost did. I hate admitting that I struggled as much as I did.
In October things got messy. Someone paid my rent for me, I still don't know who. Family problems exploded. I spent many days and nights worrying that I wouldn't be able to make things work out. I applied for 4 or 5 jobs a day and nothing ever seemed to pan out. I spent hours on my knee's begging for some sort of respite from the worry and stress. Not to mention the heartache I didn't think I had the heart for anymore. Many tears and hugs filled that month for me.
November I began to see light. The miracle of the cars graced my life. A car for cheap came into my life and through many miracles, it sits in my driveway. And then someone came and bought my old car, not anywhere near what I put into it, but enough that it made the stress of the last month melt away. I can pay all my bills and be ok. I also was blessed with a job. Not the most glamorous, but a job. I had the blessing of a tremendous bout of answered prayers from my Father in Heaven and great friends. And just last week, a few extra bucks showed up in my mail box.
When I have felt like I couldn't make it another day, when there was less than nothing in my bank account and when I felt the most alone, I was blessed. I was given what I needed. I had miracles happen.
I don't have much, and I can't surprise anyone with four new tires or cash, but I want to be the miracle in someone else's life. I want to be looking for the people who could use what I have to offer. I want to be able to help be the lord's hands this holiday season and through the rest of my life.
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Blessed
I had the most amazing four days. I wish I could put into words what I really feel, but I know that these words could never express what I have felt lately.
.
We all know I have had a rough year all around. I have struggled with so many things and have had moments when I was really low. I have also had miracles of the grandest kinds show up in my life. It has been a year of amazing and heartbreaking moments.
.
I had the opportunity to attend the temple 3 times in four days and really enjoyed every moment of it. I had the chance to do a session, a bunch of sealings and some baptisms as well. It was so amazing to see the whole process in a few days. It was such an amazing experience for me. I felt so calm and peaceful and so sure that I am known by my Father in Heaven and that there is plan for me. An amazing, spectacular and perfect plan for me. I don’t pretend to know anything about it or how it will work out; I just know that it will.
.
I was so blessed to have shared these amazing experiences with wonderful people. People who, for reasons I sometimes don’t understand, love and want to be with me. I realized just how much some people care for and about me. I am just so blessed to have a realization about how loved and needed I am right here where I am.
.
It is no secret that I love my family. It is also no secret that things have not been well between my family and I in the last few months. For reasons I don’t understand and with many tears I have struggled with feeling alone and unwanted by my family. It has been an unreal experience. Through this last weekend I have realized that no matter what, no matter how hard and frustrated we all are at the moment, my family is forever. What a blessing to know that no matter what I am sealed to my parents and siblings. How grateful I am for that.
.
I am so grateful for the chance to share this weekend and these experiences with
.
I know that I am blessed. I know while struggles seem to follow me at the moment that I am blessed and that I would do it all again. I would feel all the fear, dejection, heartache and frustration to be who I am and where I am today. I love who I have become and I am grateful for the roads that led me here.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Apologies
I feel the need to post a few apologies, it will help me feel better.
.
I am sorry that you don't believe me. I told you what I was told and if it wasn't the right information, I AM SORRY! You could have double checked the information if you wanted to. I am sorry that you feel like I lied to you. I am sorry that this week was so packed with emotionally charged information that this was too much to handle.
I hope that you will understand that I am sorry that things went crazy, but that I shouldn't be punished because of miscommunication between you and someone else! I miss you, please forgive me.
.
I am sorry that you find my desire to do what's best for me so upsetting. I am sorry that you don't want me around. I am sorry that you feel as though I am more of a problem in your life than a blessing.
I hope that whatever the issues are, that they resolve themselves and that one day, you will be able to forgive me and move on.
.
I am sorry that my exsistance is hard. I am sorry that my inquires about how things are going are so frustrating and upsetting. I am sorry that I am so hard to get a hold of, since I know you said you were going to get back to me over two weeks ago and I haven't heard from you. (even though I had my phone with me everyday and it never rang.)
I am sorry things are hard and that there is pain. If you would talk to me I would be more helpful and understanding.
.
Thank you for letting me apologize, though some of it sounds a little rant-y. I just couldn't keep it in anymore.
.
I am sorry that you don't believe me. I told you what I was told and if it wasn't the right information, I AM SORRY! You could have double checked the information if you wanted to. I am sorry that you feel like I lied to you. I am sorry that this week was so packed with emotionally charged information that this was too much to handle.
I hope that you will understand that I am sorry that things went crazy, but that I shouldn't be punished because of miscommunication between you and someone else! I miss you, please forgive me.
.
I am sorry that you find my desire to do what's best for me so upsetting. I am sorry that you don't want me around. I am sorry that you feel as though I am more of a problem in your life than a blessing.
I hope that whatever the issues are, that they resolve themselves and that one day, you will be able to forgive me and move on.
.
I am sorry that my exsistance is hard. I am sorry that my inquires about how things are going are so frustrating and upsetting. I am sorry that I am so hard to get a hold of, since I know you said you were going to get back to me over two weeks ago and I haven't heard from you. (even though I had my phone with me everyday and it never rang.)
I am sorry things are hard and that there is pain. If you would talk to me I would be more helpful and understanding.
.
Thank you for letting me apologize, though some of it sounds a little rant-y. I just couldn't keep it in anymore.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Pondering
I am in that place. A place where all roads converge and twist and turn and lead down different paths that I can't see. To take one would mean I would never be able to take others. Taking the first step down one means my world changes and nothing will ever be the same again. An exciting prospect, but scary.
.
How do you tell your head and heart to just finally agree and do something? My head screams for one thing while my heart screams for another. Hashing it out with friends who have advice and no real answers has helped but ultimately it is my choice. The weight of the consequences are mine and mine alone.
.
I have so many things to say and ask advice about, but how do you go about sharing your life's ups and downs and concerns with the world? How do you really ask for the help you yearning for when you know that there aren't answers anyone can give?
.
I want to prove to everyone, to the world that I am not done yet. I have so much left in me. I will one day prove that this crazy, frazzled person will dazzle you with her tenacity and will. I want people to look at me and think, "How cool it is to say that I know her!" I want to be someone that isn't just there and one of the many, but I want to be one of the few who stand out.
.
No matter what anyone else thinks of me, I know who I am. I know what I can do and I know the heartache of where my life has taken me. I know that no matter what anyone else thinks, I am a beautiful, smart, funny, talented and loyal person. I may carry a little extra weight, I may be louder than most, I may be easy to become annoyed with. Everyone has faults and I know mine. But I also know that I can inspire and encourage anyone to be the best they can be. I have an amazing ability to make those around me feel like a million bucks.
.
While I may not have felt like it lately, I am wanted and needed. People love and care about me. Lives change because of me. Someone out there finds me attractive.
.
Please bare with me and the dust of the renovations taking place in my life. It may be messy and hard to look at for a while but the process has begun and I think I will be better in the long run. I will have demolished the ex-boyfriend wing, the she-doesn't-like-me wing and the I'm-too-scared wing. I am adding to the wow-i'm-hott wing, the gee-these-clothes-fit wing and the patience wing.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Updates
I have blogged a lot recently on the things I have gone and done and not to so much on what is going on. So, I thought I would fill you in.
.
You may remember my old roommate who I still see regularly, Ashley, from a few years back. We lived together a few years ago with some crazy roommates. Well, she just recently moved back in with me. I am so excited! It is super hard to find good roommates (all you married folk, which is most of you, have no idea how hard it is sometimes!) and when she said she wanted to move in I was so happy! It takes so much stress off me knowing that I love my roommates and that we get along great, not just as friends but also as roommates.
I took a semester off school. There was just so much going on in my life and I got sick to my stomach just thinking about going to school. So I took this semester off and will return and finish in the spring.
.
I have had some personal issues arise in the last few weeks and it has taken it's toll. There were a lot of hurt feelings and stresses about people I really cared about. I picked up some pieces in my life and in the life of some of those closest to me and it was emotionally challenging. In the long run it made the relationships closer and stronger and while we would not want to repeat, it was a good experience. I know now that there are a few people who won't easily be moved and I am grateful for that. I have a true friend in Logan and I am blessed and amazed at how much he has blessed me in recent months. I will have to dedicate a whole blog to that sometime soon.
.
I still struggle with things. I am still working hard to make sure that I am doing all that I can to be the best person I can be. I work hard to make myself better everyday. And I am succeeding. To date this year, 20 pounds have left me. That my friends is equivalent the to weight I gained after dating Mark. So Mark is gone, haha! If I can only get rid of Jared...oh well. I have a few more months left in the year and I plan to make a big dent in that still.
.
My car broke down again, which is just too much to handle really. It will take $2000 to fix it and it just not in the budget at the moment. So keep that in your prayers or thoughts for me. I am struggling a great deal with that at the moment.
.
I am still having a rough patch but I am determined, after a few things that have happened lately, to make this year end on an up swing. I know I am loved and needed. I know that I am talented and an important part of people's lives. I have the ability to touch and inspire those around me and I am so grateful to be of help and service when I can. Taking a break and being more of that to myself as well as others is something I am striving to do. I want to be better and more assured of myself than I have been in recent months. A little rejection (or a lot really) builds character and I have a ton of character right now so I had better start using it to my advantage.
.
Oh and, I am determined to snag myself a cute guy or two in the next few months. I am feeling like it is time for another streak of guys in my life. So be watching out for that to be happening too.
.
So, that is what is going on in my world. Hope it makes it easier to understand the random posts now. Or at least appreciate them.
Saturday, August 30, 2008
For Sale
For Sale:
One devoted and loyal best friend. Great Personality, enjoys cooking and reading. Will try most things. Compliments are abundant and will listen or talk for hours, or minutes. Great smile and eyes. Lacks the ability to be everything, but tries her hardest. Gets frustrated just sitting around or with people who won't just voice their opinions. Doesn't like onions and can't eat watermelon.
One best friend is for sale for the price of acceptance.
Direct inquiries to me. Hurry, this suddenly available best friend is a limited time offer.
Buyer beware: broken heart and trust issues included. Cries on command and at all awkward moments.
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Boy Log
Guys in my life and relationship status:
Logan: Logan I have known for almost 2 years, he has dated a couple of my friends and is enjoying (not dating currently) my dear friend Tricia. I am Logan’s personal chef cooking three meals a day for him, seamstress (hemming pants, sewing buttons, etc.), social coordinator (a normal text from Logan is along the lines of “hey, we should get some people together and go bowling. Let me know when.” Translated that means, “I want to go bowling, call some people and let me know what time you told them to be there.” It doesn’t normally fly, but he keeps trying), interior decorator (picked out all kinds of home décor for him) and I serve as best friend.
I love Logan for how good he is to me and how patient he is with me. He has a personality that makes me laugh and knows what and how to say things sometimes that just take the crazy out of me. I love him for that. I do not love him though. While I think he is super cute and a great catch, he is not for me.
Logan: Logan I have known for almost 2 years, he has dated a couple of my friends and is enjoying (not dating currently) my dear friend Tricia. I am Logan’s personal chef cooking three meals a day for him, seamstress (hemming pants, sewing buttons, etc.), social coordinator (a normal text from Logan is along the lines of “hey, we should get some people together and go bowling. Let me know when.” Translated that means, “I want to go bowling, call some people and let me know what time you told them to be there.” It doesn’t normally fly, but he keeps trying), interior decorator (picked out all kinds of home décor for him) and I serve as best friend.
I love Logan for how good he is to me and how patient he is with me. He has a personality that makes me laugh and knows what and how to say things sometimes that just take the crazy out of me. I love him for that. I do not love him though. While I think he is super cute and a great catch, he is not for me.
Want to kiss him: No
Have kissed him: No
Jason: Jason is a new edition to my guy friends but he is only a friend. There a few deal breakers involved with Jason for me. He is a good listener and a good shoulder to cry on. We laugh and have fun together, but there is no spark.
Want to kiss him: No
Have kissed him: No
Those are the big two guys in my life. Others drift in and out but those are my big guy friends at the moment. I tend to get them as friends, make them feel good about themselves and encourage them to date and get married. They do and I find new guys.
100 (or less) lies I tell guys:
yeah, I am sure she would go out with you.
I am ok with not dating, I am happy to see you dating though! (ALWAYS a lie)
Yeah, all my friends are married or dating. (sometimes guys just aren't good enough for my friends!)
I date all the time!
I have been in a few relationships before...(um, yeah, a lie.)
No, your not a bad kisser... (if you have to comment on it, it is NEVER a good sign!)
I have over the years just developed the desire to tell it like it is. I am not one to sit on stuff. Maybe not one of my endearing qualities to guys, but I just don't see the point in lying about stuff sometimes. So, these are the ones that I guess I tell guys. Otherwise, I just tell them the truth.
The last kiss was about a year ago and the last make out was about 2 ½ years ago. Last good make-out, 3 years ago. I am in a definite dry spell Ladies. Not for lack of looking. So, if you need something to keep in your prayers, it is me and lack of make-out! Haha! Or if you happen to know any great guys in their late 20’s to early 30’s, single and in need of my brand of specialness, send him my way. While the make-out is a good thing, I would settle for a good cuddle on the couch watching a movie.
There is one almost-sort-of prospect, a guy in my friends singles ward she wants me to meet. I know very little about him, he can carry a tune, has a degree and is working on another and is 29. I don't even know a name. But if anything comes of that, I will be sure to keep you updated. I am trying to stay positive, but there just aren't any guys around at the moment. Or for the last few years. There are worse things than being guyless, I am sure that there are.
Saturday, August 9, 2008
Question One: Stress
Thank you to Liv for being inspiration for this little blog experiment and for that, here is her question and my response.
Q: What's your advice for dealing with stress? It seems like you keep bouncing back from your downs, and it makes me want to be more positive like you. What's your secret?! All I want to do is hide when I'm freaking out about stuff.
A: Well thanks Liv for believing that I bounce back and am positive! Stress is such a hard thing, isn't it? While I do not for one second believe that I hold any market on dealing well with stress I will tell you what works for me and let you decide if it is really a good way, deal?
I look at a stressful situation head on in the beginning. No sugar coating or excuses, just the hard and often painful truth. I get mad or frustrated or upset about it for a few minutes. Then, here is the beauty of my plan, you ask yourself 3 questions:
1) So, what can I do about it right now?
2) What are the "chunks" I can break it up into?
3) Does it affect my Eternal Salvation?
I do well with list and compartmentalizing things so for me this is my best plan of attach. When my car broke down these are exactly my thought processes and steps taken:
"Are you kidding me? Seriously, this is not happening...for real? Ughh! I hate this stupid car! Why can't it just work for me? I hate that nothing seems to be working and the last thing I need is to have this heap of junk act up on me now. I can't afford to fix this...Ok, so I call someone for a ride to get me where I need to go, some one to tow me and call the mechanic. After I do that it is all I can do for now. After work (or whatever is going on) I will look at my budget and figure out what I can afford and if it will be worth it to fix the car. This is annoying, but I will still make it to school/work/church and I can bum rides (as annoying as that is) from friends or co-workers heading my way. I can do this, it will be fine."
I deal methodically with each of the 3 questions in my mind. Sometimes the anger at the beginning takes longer, or the steps in the middle take longer, it all depends on the problem. But the truth is that the only way to get through stress is to go through it. Avoiding it makes that knot in my stomach bigger and I sleep less and eat weird food.
The first step of letting the anger kick in seems less important sometimes but letting myself feel that emotion, good or bad in the beginning helps to get the emotionally charged portion of it out of the way, not that I don't come back to that later, but to give myself the ability to feel whatever the emotion associated with the problem helps me.
The second step of "what can I do right now" gives me something to do, an action that allows me to feel like I am working on the problem or concern, not just sitting on it. Sometimes when there is no action to do, I bake cookies and take them to a friend or clean. I will scrub a kitchen floor with a tooth brush to help deal with the problem if I can't find anything else to do. the key is the action, I have to actively do something to keep with the process and my sanity.
And the last, does it affect my eternal salvation, helps me put into perspective what is going on. My car will not help me on my quest to return to my father in heaven. One of my biggest stresses, one that not many of my readers can sympathize with at all, is being a 29 (dangerously close to 30!) year-old LDS woman who is not married and with every year loses more of the ability to have children, in a society where family is not only a big deal, but a major part of the culture and religion. This DOES affect my eternal salvation. I cry about and worry about this in spurts in my life. I go through the lists of things I could change, fix or compromise on regularly. It is one of the hardest trials and biggest stresses in my life. It is one where my steps don't work. So, what can I do? I look for soothing words from conference talks, wise women and men and take shelter in the temple. I know there is a plan for me and just because I don't see it, doesn't mean it isn't there and that it isn't a beautiful plan. One of my favorite quotes for this is, "To those who have to wait longer in this life for the blessing of eternal marriage, I say this; The Lord will make up the difference." I take peace and comfort in that. With small reminders like that I am able to deal with the problem that has no clear cut steps for me.
For me just deciding to take things as they come and knowing that there is a plan for me, makes all the difference. I know that I am loved by many and that while my family is far away, I have a large support group here. I have talents and abilities that I can share that no one else can and because of that knowledge, I know that I can take a step back and just do what it takes to move on.
I have had my fair share of stress and trials through the years, I am no exception to that. Through my adult years (the last 10 or so) I have grown a great deal. I have put into perspective things about myself and things that I can't control, no matter how badly I want to. I have a Divine mission and purpose in life and I am better able to handle that knowing that as long as I am taking the steps needed to deal with stress and trials that my Father in Heaven will give me what I need and will bless me for my perseverance.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Sunday, Continued and Other Stuff
So, I realized that I might need to expand on a few things that happened Sunday and in the last few days.
.
So when I tripped over the curb, there was a hole between the grass and the curb, since the curb had be laid on a few days before, and I went boobs first into this hole. So imagine me, legs sprawled on the pavement, stomach on the curb, boobs in a hole and arms and head in the grass. The guys were laughing to hard to even know how to begin to help me. My knee is still swollen and all torn up from it. I have road rash on my arm too. I realize now how bad skinned knees hurt. Not fun! So after acting as a crutch for a while, I did receive a piggy-back ride at which point, by no fault of his own, my pants which are too big anymore, were falling off. So my shirt is riding up, pants falling off, and garment bits hanging out. I was completely excited about that chance to share that part of me with the world. I seriously was so embarrassed! Between falling, and that, it was not a good night for me.
...
In other news, I got my car back from the shop and headed to Logan's house for guitar hero the other night. Left about midnight, 12:15. Logan had gone right to bed, keep this in mind. I started heading home and things were totally fine. Then, about 7 blocks from home, in a less than great neighborhood, at 12:30 at night, my car just stops. Completely stops. I turn it off, let it sit for a minute, then try to restart and it doesn't. In the mean time a bunch of guys stood on the sidewalk just watching me. A single girl in a disabled vehicle. And my cell phone battery is about to die. One of the guys comes over and asks if everything is OK. With doors locked, windows up, I say yes and start texting everyone i know. I send one huge text to everyone letting them know where I am, in hopes that someone is awake and can come. No response from any of the 20 people I texted. I start to get more nervous as multiple guys approach the car. They ask again if I am OK and try to open one of the car doors. At this point I am frantically calling people, but no one answers. They start making some rather crude comments about me and trying to open car doors. I am trying desperately to stay calm, and stay on the phone, knowing that the battery is about to die. I called the police, but I still had to wait for them to get there and things had gotten worse since I first called. The crude comments turned very cruel and sexual and I was in tears praying like you would not believe! Right about then, Logan pulls up in his truck, looking half asleep. He sees what is going on and steps right in.
I was so shaken and upset. I am so grateful for Logan and what a great friend and brother he is to me.
After a blessing and getting my car towed, I calmed down. I have never been more scared in my life. I really thought something was going to happen that would have been a big problem, but my Heavenly Father loves me and sent a tired and half asleep Logan to my rescue.
It has been a week of lows for me. Falling and looking like an idiot in front of friends, car problems and trying to get the voices of evil men out of my head. But, in the midst of it, my sister has her baby and that is wonderful. Isn't it weird how that works?
Monday, July 7, 2008
The Envelope
I have had a rough time of late trying to pay all the bills and such. I was doing some nanny work this summer during the few months I have off from my regular job (which starts back in august after some construction work) and the family decided last minute to go back east for the summer. So I have been frantically trying to make things work for another six weeks.
Well yesterday I went to church and thought about not paying my tithing (for non-LDS we chose to pay 10% to the church to help with welfare programs, building meeting houses, and that sort of thing. It is a choice.) because I just didn't have the money to cover all the bills anyway. But, I made the choice and said a prayer as I handed the envelope over to the bishop. I went home and decided to leave it up to the lord today and worry about it tomorrow.
Yesterday afternoon I hosted Sunday lunch for my ward. While I was in the kitchen finishing flipping the last of the pancakes, someone came to the house and with so many people coming and going it was not hard to blend in. They handed a white envelope to someone and asked them to give it to me. They asked who to say it was from and they just said make sure she gets it and left. They didn't think much of it and came into the kitchen and gave it to me. I thought it was just a note or something and set it aside.
Later that afternoon in the cleaning up process I found the envelope again and opened it up to find $200 in cash. No note or anything, just $200. Which is the amount I needed to clear this months bills.
No one likes to admit that times are hard or that they can't provide for themselves. I hate to share with the world that I am not financially a huge success, but right now I'm not. I am working hard to do the things I need to stay afloat but it is hard to find work for only 6 weeks. This is not a story about poor Nichole, but more on making the hard choices even when they are right, and being there to be the person or people who can contribute to a moment in someones life where that needed $200, an afternoon of Mommy only time, a meal for a heartbroken family or whatever someone stands in need of.
I know that my Father in Heaven loves me and watches out for me. I know that my tear filled prayers wondering why things are hard and so different than the way I imagined them to be, are heard. I know that there is a plan of happiness and it doesn't exclude me or anyone else. I know that I am a deserving person and that while I am not perfect, I am loved, needed, appreciated and wanted. I know it.
Oh, and PS, I may or may not have had a very good experience last night around a bonfire with a boy, or two. An experience that may or may not have had some repercussions that may lead some interesting evenings in the very near future. I may or may not have. ;)
Well yesterday I went to church and thought about not paying my tithing (for non-LDS we chose to pay 10% to the church to help with welfare programs, building meeting houses, and that sort of thing. It is a choice.) because I just didn't have the money to cover all the bills anyway. But, I made the choice and said a prayer as I handed the envelope over to the bishop. I went home and decided to leave it up to the lord today and worry about it tomorrow.
Yesterday afternoon I hosted Sunday lunch for my ward. While I was in the kitchen finishing flipping the last of the pancakes, someone came to the house and with so many people coming and going it was not hard to blend in. They handed a white envelope to someone and asked them to give it to me. They asked who to say it was from and they just said make sure she gets it and left. They didn't think much of it and came into the kitchen and gave it to me. I thought it was just a note or something and set it aside.
Later that afternoon in the cleaning up process I found the envelope again and opened it up to find $200 in cash. No note or anything, just $200. Which is the amount I needed to clear this months bills.
No one likes to admit that times are hard or that they can't provide for themselves. I hate to share with the world that I am not financially a huge success, but right now I'm not. I am working hard to do the things I need to stay afloat but it is hard to find work for only 6 weeks. This is not a story about poor Nichole, but more on making the hard choices even when they are right, and being there to be the person or people who can contribute to a moment in someones life where that needed $200, an afternoon of Mommy only time, a meal for a heartbroken family or whatever someone stands in need of.
I know that my Father in Heaven loves me and watches out for me. I know that my tear filled prayers wondering why things are hard and so different than the way I imagined them to be, are heard. I know that there is a plan of happiness and it doesn't exclude me or anyone else. I know that I am a deserving person and that while I am not perfect, I am loved, needed, appreciated and wanted. I know it.
Oh, and PS, I may or may not have had a very good experience last night around a bonfire with a boy, or two. An experience that may or may not have had some repercussions that may lead some interesting evenings in the very near future. I may or may not have. ;)
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Got Laundry?
I do. I have laundry. Until recently I enjoyed the ability to do laundry at odd times, in sweats and when I needed to. But, that was until the washer broke. And we all know that if I do something I don't do it half way. The washer needs to be replaced but that is not in the budget at the moment. So, to the laundromat I go. Luckily Danny, Melinda's husband who lives in the basement apartment, his family owns a laundromat. So every few weeks we go close the laundromat and do our laundry.
In some ways it is very nice to throw everything in at once and be done in an hour or so, but on the other hand, when we pack a car FULL of dirty laundry and then wash it and pack it full of CLEAN clothes and have to load and un-load that you forget that little bit of a benefit. But the blessing here is that we have a way to do our laundry without spending lots of time or money.
Don't worry, between the three of us we use 8 regular washers and one super sized (for towels) and at least that many dryers. And that is when we combine our whites. Be thankful today for your working washing machines. And I will be grateful that I have access to a washer. :)
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Silver Lining
I like to think that there is always a silver lining to every dark cloud. If you are sick, it is that you remember that it is a blessing to be healthy. If you get a flat tire, that you really need to be aware of your tires so that you are grateful for full tires. I like it that way. I like to think I am an optimist.
I am about "this" (imagine fingers just barely apart) close to losing that optimism. This year has just chewed me up ans spit me out. I am working really hard to make things work and to keep a smile on my face, but I just hate waking up everyday to something else that has gone wrong, not worked out, or is suddenly a problem. The umbrella that I am using to keep that rain away, is getting a little beat up, you know?
I am not saying that there aren't some good things in my life, there are. Just more not so great. So, in an attempt to help remind myself that there is a silver lining, I am listing the GOOD things in my life at the moment.
1) My roommates Melinda and Danny. Ok, so they aren't really roommates, but live in the basement apartment. They are so wonderful. Melinda has been letting me use her car while mine has been in the shop. All three times. It has been two weeks this time and she has been so nice and wonderful. They also are my gardening partners and I have enjoyed the hours of weeding and planting. I am so grateful that they are in my life.
2) I am grateful for little kids who love "secrets" from me. I tell the greatest secrets. I say something silly and then tickle for all I'm worth. I see kids I know in the store and they will run up and ask for secrets. I love it. I love that they love it.
3) I love that the other ladies I work with call me "the baby whisperer" and " the story teller". I love that they see strengths in me and remind me of them. I like that I am reminded of them even after years of being away from kids.
4)I am grateful for people who love me and let me use their washing machine. Since ours went out a month ago (oh the joys of not having the money to replace it!) I have been very blessed by people who have allowed me to "borrow" their miracle of machine to wash unmentionables.
5) I am so grateful for people who really have no idea that they make my day. A smile or a seemingly unimportant little compliment means a lot. Especially when times are hard. So thank you to all of those.
6) I am thankful that my sisters have blogs. It seems small, but that little connection means a lot.
7) I am thankful that I have 3 callings at church. Compassionate service coordinator, a temple calling and on a pilot stake committee that is for single adults 27 to 31. The goal for this wonderful new committee? To meet and marry your eternal companion. haha.
8) I am grateful for food storage.
That is my silver lining.
I am about "this" (imagine fingers just barely apart) close to losing that optimism. This year has just chewed me up ans spit me out. I am working really hard to make things work and to keep a smile on my face, but I just hate waking up everyday to something else that has gone wrong, not worked out, or is suddenly a problem. The umbrella that I am using to keep that rain away, is getting a little beat up, you know?
I am not saying that there aren't some good things in my life, there are. Just more not so great. So, in an attempt to help remind myself that there is a silver lining, I am listing the GOOD things in my life at the moment.
1) My roommates Melinda and Danny. Ok, so they aren't really roommates, but live in the basement apartment. They are so wonderful. Melinda has been letting me use her car while mine has been in the shop. All three times. It has been two weeks this time and she has been so nice and wonderful. They also are my gardening partners and I have enjoyed the hours of weeding and planting. I am so grateful that they are in my life.
2) I am grateful for little kids who love "secrets" from me. I tell the greatest secrets. I say something silly and then tickle for all I'm worth. I see kids I know in the store and they will run up and ask for secrets. I love it. I love that they love it.
3) I love that the other ladies I work with call me "the baby whisperer" and " the story teller". I love that they see strengths in me and remind me of them. I like that I am reminded of them even after years of being away from kids.
4)I am grateful for people who love me and let me use their washing machine. Since ours went out a month ago (oh the joys of not having the money to replace it!) I have been very blessed by people who have allowed me to "borrow" their miracle of machine to wash unmentionables.
5) I am so grateful for people who really have no idea that they make my day. A smile or a seemingly unimportant little compliment means a lot. Especially when times are hard. So thank you to all of those.
6) I am thankful that my sisters have blogs. It seems small, but that little connection means a lot.
7) I am thankful that I have 3 callings at church. Compassionate service coordinator, a temple calling and on a pilot stake committee that is for single adults 27 to 31. The goal for this wonderful new committee? To meet and marry your eternal companion. haha.
8) I am grateful for food storage.
That is my silver lining.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Evolution
I am at a strange place in life. I am watching the people around me change and evolve and become. I watch women who used to giggle with me about how cute some guy was raise little ones of their own, others getting degrees of all kinds and being successful in careers. Some married and divorced. I see life taking hold of the people around me. I see the signs of age and wisdom among friends and the always fun responsible gene we all never thought we would get. I see the purchasing of mini vans running rampant among friends.
I watch as life swirls around them and wonder, “Am I swirling too?” Am I changing like everyone else seems to be? Sure, I don’t have the rug-rats, the mini-van or the mortgage to prove it, but my life evolves. Really. It swirls so much I get motion sick!
I may have taken much different roads than most, ok, ok, they weren’t even roads most of the time. School wasn’t really for me right out of high school. I messed around trying to find something that was for me, all the while dating the wrong guys. If they were wrong for me, I dated them. There was the one who dated me and another girl at the same time and only shared when he purposed to the other one. Then there was the one who was in it just for the make-out. He was a winner. Then the crowning jewel of men wrong for me, the guy who couldn’t commit and when the going got rough, walked away blaming me. I chose the good ones. It was easier in some ways to pick the bad ones, never had to worry about the keeping it going and making it work out.
Then there is the career that I seem to be one step behind on as well. Not to worry, it is riddled with children and telephones. I am very good at my job, I have the ability to step into a situation and see the processes at work and see where the communication and motivation lack. I can pick out weaknesses and strengths in employees quickly and build on them. I have trained 14 employees and have taken their productivity and doubled it as well as made the work environment fun and with that kept retention up. I know where my strengths are. I am very good at writing training manuals and I actually really love to do it!
I drive a car that I own out right. I don’t have payments on it, I paid for it all on my own. That doesn’t mean that it is a top of the line full of all of the latest gadgets and gizmos, but it does its job. Now I may need to have lots of things fixed, it may need to have the spark plug for the horn changed every couple months, but I can do that! I keep it running. All by myself.
I have jewelry. I may not have a diamond ring given by an adoring boyfriend, but I have some. I have a few rings that I treasure not only for the beauty but also for the sentimental reasons. I have an amethyst ring with a spec of a diamond that I bought in Vancouver Washington 10 years ago that I treasure. It was the first piece of “real” jewelry I bought myself and it reminds me of the time when I first struck out on my own and had my own money that I saved to go on vacation. The beginning of my independence. I also cherish a necklace my dad gave me as they moved away from me for the first time. It reminds me every time I see it that my daddy loves me. No matter where I am, how old I get or how hard things are, my daddy loves me. There is nothing that can mean more to me.
The swirling gets craziest when family gets involved. I watch as siblings grow up and change. I sometimes wonder where the family ends and life begins. I watch as siblings make choices and the consequences of those choices. But mostly, I realize my relationship with family changes. My family used to be my rock and my foundation my fall back when things got hard. Now, if they know what is going on in my life, it is through a blog. Not that I know much of what is going on in their lives, I don’t. Life happens and family has fallen by the wayside. I didn’t say I liked this twist in my life, I just said it was there.
My life swirls and evolves with the rest of the world, don’t underestimate me and my life stories. There will be evolution, just don’t think my evolution will be following any path anyone else has seen. I have a knack for finding my own path. Stay tuned for my twists and turns.
I watch as life swirls around them and wonder, “Am I swirling too?” Am I changing like everyone else seems to be? Sure, I don’t have the rug-rats, the mini-van or the mortgage to prove it, but my life evolves. Really. It swirls so much I get motion sick!
I may have taken much different roads than most, ok, ok, they weren’t even roads most of the time. School wasn’t really for me right out of high school. I messed around trying to find something that was for me, all the while dating the wrong guys. If they were wrong for me, I dated them. There was the one who dated me and another girl at the same time and only shared when he purposed to the other one. Then there was the one who was in it just for the make-out. He was a winner. Then the crowning jewel of men wrong for me, the guy who couldn’t commit and when the going got rough, walked away blaming me. I chose the good ones. It was easier in some ways to pick the bad ones, never had to worry about the keeping it going and making it work out.
Then there is the career that I seem to be one step behind on as well. Not to worry, it is riddled with children and telephones. I am very good at my job, I have the ability to step into a situation and see the processes at work and see where the communication and motivation lack. I can pick out weaknesses and strengths in employees quickly and build on them. I have trained 14 employees and have taken their productivity and doubled it as well as made the work environment fun and with that kept retention up. I know where my strengths are. I am very good at writing training manuals and I actually really love to do it!
I drive a car that I own out right. I don’t have payments on it, I paid for it all on my own. That doesn’t mean that it is a top of the line full of all of the latest gadgets and gizmos, but it does its job. Now I may need to have lots of things fixed, it may need to have the spark plug for the horn changed every couple months, but I can do that! I keep it running. All by myself.
I have jewelry. I may not have a diamond ring given by an adoring boyfriend, but I have some. I have a few rings that I treasure not only for the beauty but also for the sentimental reasons. I have an amethyst ring with a spec of a diamond that I bought in Vancouver Washington 10 years ago that I treasure. It was the first piece of “real” jewelry I bought myself and it reminds me of the time when I first struck out on my own and had my own money that I saved to go on vacation. The beginning of my independence. I also cherish a necklace my dad gave me as they moved away from me for the first time. It reminds me every time I see it that my daddy loves me. No matter where I am, how old I get or how hard things are, my daddy loves me. There is nothing that can mean more to me.
The swirling gets craziest when family gets involved. I watch as siblings grow up and change. I sometimes wonder where the family ends and life begins. I watch as siblings make choices and the consequences of those choices. But mostly, I realize my relationship with family changes. My family used to be my rock and my foundation my fall back when things got hard. Now, if they know what is going on in my life, it is through a blog. Not that I know much of what is going on in their lives, I don’t. Life happens and family has fallen by the wayside. I didn’t say I liked this twist in my life, I just said it was there.
My life swirls and evolves with the rest of the world, don’t underestimate me and my life stories. There will be evolution, just don’t think my evolution will be following any path anyone else has seen. I have a knack for finding my own path. Stay tuned for my twists and turns.
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
On The Mend
Well a week later I am on the mend. I am still in a good deal of pain and not up to doing much physical activity, but I am working and trying to maintain a normal looking life.
I have been blessed by some great friends who were there and supportive durring the last week. Some friends brought peanut butter M&M's, Wendy's dinner (yum, frosty!) and help with laundry and cleaning. I am so blessed!
I have been blessed by some great friends who were there and supportive durring the last week. Some friends brought peanut butter M&M's, Wendy's dinner (yum, frosty!) and help with laundry and cleaning. I am so blessed!One group of friends brightened my day a good deal by bringing me flowers! Yellow and white, my favorites!
Thank you so much for your prayers and well wishes! It means so much. I hope all of your weeks are amazing!
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Backboards and CAT Scans
I am trying to stay optimistic. I am really trying to find the good and learning from the bits and pieces of my life. But this week started out on the wrong foot in a big way.
We got a snow storm Sunday and by Monday morning it was 6 inches of snow and ice. I trekked up to campus for my one class and it was cancelled. I was annoyed and headed back slipping and sliding the whole way. There was a layer of ice over everything and the campus hadn't been salted yet. I was almost home free when it happened.
I stepped on the first step and fell down the stairs. I hit my head on the top step, my neck on the second, my back on the third, my rear end on the fourth and my legs on the last. I hit hard. I laid there in shock and pain as I heard people asking me if I was OK and if I needed help. In the end I 
was whisked the the hospital on a backboard, in a neck collar in an ambulance. I endured x-rays and CAT scans and pain and fear. For a moment I was scared that there was a serious problem. After a wonderful shot of morphine and hours and hours at the hospital, I was released. I sprained my lower back, pulled all the muscles in my upper back and shoulders and have a swollen neck and head. The drainage is beyond disgusting. I can not get comfortable.
There are amazing things right around the corner for me. I have to believe that. I have to believe that the Lord is keeping me in his arms right now. Please keep me in your prayers, because I don't know how I can find the good in this one.
was whisked the the hospital on a backboard, in a neck collar in an ambulance. I endured x-rays and CAT scans and pain and fear. For a moment I was scared that there was a serious problem. After a wonderful shot of morphine and hours and hours at the hospital, I was released. I sprained my lower back, pulled all the muscles in my upper back and shoulders and have a swollen neck and head. The drainage is beyond disgusting. I can not get comfortable.There are amazing things right around the corner for me. I have to believe that. I have to believe that the Lord is keeping me in his arms right now. Please keep me in your prayers, because I don't know how I can find the good in this one.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
