Pondering

I am in that place. A place where all roads converge and twist and turn and lead down different paths that I can't see. To take one would mean I would never be able to take others. Taking the first step down one means my world changes and nothing will ever be the same again. An exciting prospect, but scary.

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How do you tell your head and heart to just finally agree and do something? My head screams for one thing while my heart screams for another. Hashing it out with friends who have advice and no real answers has helped but ultimately it is my choice. The weight of the consequences are mine and mine alone.

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I have so many things to say and ask advice about, but how do you go about sharing your life's ups and downs and concerns with the world? How do you really ask for the help you yearning for when you know that there aren't answers anyone can give?

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I want to prove to everyone, to the world that I am not done yet. I have so much left in me. I will one day prove that this crazy, frazzled person will dazzle you with her tenacity and will. I want people to look at me and think, "How cool it is to say that I know her!" I want to be someone that isn't just there and one of the many, but I want to be one of the few who stand out.

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No matter what anyone else thinks of me, I know who I am. I know what I can do and I know the heartache of where my life has taken me. I know that no matter what anyone else thinks, I am a beautiful, smart, funny, talented and loyal person. I may carry a little extra weight, I may be louder than most, I may be easy to become annoyed with. Everyone has faults and I know mine. But I also know that I can inspire and encourage anyone to be the best they can be. I have an amazing ability to make those around me feel like a million bucks.

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While I may not have felt like it lately, I am wanted and needed. People love and care about me. Lives change because of me. Someone out there finds me attractive.

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Please bare with me and the dust of the renovations taking place in my life. It may be messy and hard to look at for a while but the process has begun and I think I will be better in the long run. I will have demolished the ex-boyfriend wing, the she-doesn't-like-me wing and the I'm-too-scared wing. I am adding to the wow-i'm-hott wing, the gee-these-clothes-fit wing and the patience wing.