I have been going through a rough patch. I know that I do not even begin to come close to some trials and problems that some people have and are going through. I do not think that my problems merit any more sympathy than anyone else. What I do know is that while I try to smile and laugh I am struggling a great deal. Keep in mind that I am using this as an avenue to help me deal and heal.
I have struggled with my health a great deal this year. I contracted Influenza, pneumonia and continued to battle ulcers and ovarian cysts. They seemed to flare all together and caused so much stress that I can't hardly seem to deal with it sometimes. My diet and daily activities have changed a great deal and I am upset at realizing that certain things can no longer be a part of my daily life. I also feel old knowing that I am taking medicine daily and have to regularly color my hair from the grey that has taken over from the stress. I am not dealing with a life threatening illness or something that will cause a major medical problem, but it still feels like so much going on. Too much for me.
I got a new job and months later, lost it. The financial burden on the business was too much so I was told to find new employment. I suddenly feel less than successful.
This year my relationship with my family has suffered. My siblings no longer talk to me and while my parents love me, they have 7 other children who are having other problems, babies and lives that need to be attended to. I am far away in Utah and there isn't much to say or do for me. I am just me out here, no husband or kids to deal with, so it is a matter of shear numbers. One in Utah and 8 in AZ (not to mention beloved aunts uncles and cousins), 5 in Iowa and 2 1/2 in South Dakota, Utah loses. Not that I am not loved, but one set of problems here is not anything compared to one hurting person and grand kids down the road or 20 or so family members in AZ. Which is fine. I can take care of myself and I can be fine without having family around. I have done it before and I am sure I will do it for years to come. Everyone has their time, and the numbers are not in my favor right now.
Not to mention that I hit the wonderful age of 29 and people are beginning to ask me when I was going to do something with my life. I feel the constant pressure of being an "old maid" in an LDS culture. I am OK with being single and having no family. I am not dating anyone, thank you for asking. Do you think that it is all by choice? That I beg guys NOT to ask me out and NOT date me? I am happy with where my life is. I would not want to have married any of the guys I dated and am a better person for the experiences I have had.
I feel torn. I am hurting and feel like I am unsuccessful and a disappointment to people, but I am OK with where my life is too. I am frustrated and unhappy with the way this year has shaped up for me so far. I feel cheated and left behind. I feel blessed that I have a place to live, a car that I own, a religion that I believe in, and friends near and far who are wonderful.
I know that you have to know the pain and anguish to appreciate the good and wonderful.
I am just hoping the pain gives way to the wonderful soon.
