Social Anxiety

I have seen people in small groups or one on one since everything happened. I have not be in any kind of large social setting. Today as I plan to go to only a portion of church, sacrament meeting, I am having great amounts of anxiety.

Everyone knows what happened. It isn't a secret or something that I have obviously not talked about. But now, as I make a public appearance for the first time I am terrified that I won't be able to handle it. At home and one on one I can control my environment, I can change the subject.

I know I will get hugs and looks of pity and support. All good things that just remind me of what I don't have anymore. Why is today any different than yesterday or last week? Maybe the mass groups of people have me on edge or how close my emotions are to the surface today. I have kind of kept them at bay, taking deep breaths and kind of just moving on. Trying not to dwell or think about it. I won't have that option today.

I don't know how to do this. How do I stay strong when I want to fall apart? How do I find the strength that everyone thinks I have?

How do you deal with such heartbreak?

I know the answer, you just do. You wake up everyday and try your best. You smile when you can and cry when you have to. You be as grateful as you can be and you beg for peace in your prayers. You just keep moving.

I haven't forgotten and I still feel it deeply but if you see me and ask how I am doing and I smile and say "I'm OK" or "I'm Fine", know that I am trying not to fall apart and that it doesn't mean that I don't still hurt.

Blessings of Teaching

I taught a lesson about Job today in Gospel Doctrine. It was such a blessing. It made me realize how much I have been tried (haven't we all?) and how many blessings I have been given because of that. I am so blessed to realize that my Father in Heaven loves me so very much to try me. I am so grateful for that testimony of my savior and that there is a plan for me. While it has not been the plan I imagined for me, it is the right one.

This is the 3rd week that I have been under the weather. I am bummed about it. Strep, with bronchitis, an allergic reaction to medication, poison ivy and I am back to a stomach bug again. I am so done being sick. It is one of those moments that I am grateful I am not a mom or wife...cause I am a whiny and unhappy sick person. I don't think I could handle taking care of others when I have felt this bad.

I have been so blessed in the last few weeks as well. I have a pretty great life and I am so happy, minus being sick.

Really?

So, after a few months, I got a calling in the new ward. I knew what they were going to call me to do weeks before they called me. I am still shaking my head over the whole thing. I am once again, teaching Gospel Doctrine. I love to teach and all but I am just slightly unnerved by the large group of older, well versed people who will be staring at me ready to make corrections where needed. Hm...

Oh, and I got this $100 spa gift card in my email through a legit company. I checked it out and all and it really is legit. The problem? I don't really think it was meant for me. It says "congrats on your graduation Nicki". Let's start with the first clue...IF you were to know me as Nikki, call me Nikki, but spell it right! Most things I do I put Nichole on so it seems odd that someone would send anything to me with a personal note saying "Nicki". 2nd, I have no idea who the person who sent it is! I called the spafinder.com people and they said that it was addressed to me (my personal email account) and the best thing to do is just accept it. Hm...3rd, I got a confirmation email from the "Patricia Bowen" who sent me the gift card and when I replied it says that she is out of the office the rest of the week and will no longer be with the company as of friday. I googled her and found out where she is from and all but I can't get to her.

I don't know what else to do. I am a little frustrated that I am trying to do the right thing but letting her know this was not sent to the right person ( I am assuming, she is in denver!) but I can't get through to her. What do I do now?

True

What a blessing it is and what a way to strengthen my testimony. I know it is true.

Bits and Pieces

I am tired my friends. So tired! I have been out every night for the past two weeks and while I may be home tonight, my new Bishopric will be stopping by to meet me. So its almost like I will be going out. Is it too much to ask for a night in?

Not to mention that I have this lovely cold that keeps me up at night as I cough up a lung.

I am looking forward to Saturday which I have completely booked with naps, movies and nothing. We will just have to wait and see if that actually happens though.

In other news, I am anxiously awaiting some test results that I should get today or tomorrow. Why won't the phone ring when you want it to?

Oh well, off to get some more work done. I'll share some of my big new projects soon.

Scary Morning

We had stake conference this morning. While enjoying a talk from Russell Ballard a guy two rows in front of me, who was holding a new baby ( I think someone said she was only a few months old) went into a seizure. Apparently, this is not common for him. His whole body went rigid and then began to flail, his scared wife grabbing the baby as best she could while also trying to help him. She looked terrified. Luckily the people sitting around them quickly realized the situation and took the baby and moved the chairs and people out of the way, called 911 and grabbed as many as needed priesthood holders to help him. I sat in horror for the young wife and mother who watched helplessly as her husband trashed around. Luckily there are lots of nurses and doctors in our numbers and ones who later said they didn't know why their stethoscopes, or other medical supplies had been with them, until they were needed to make sure this man was ok.

I missed most of that talk today, but was blessed beyond belief.

I watched as strangers to this young family gave no thought to helping, as worthy priesthood holders who were there so quickly to give physical as well as spiritual help to both him and his worried wife. I watched in awe as we realized that the people sitting around the young family all had medical training. I watched in awe as those who were not helping were saying prayers for the family, offering any assistance they could.

A testimony of good will and love from fellow saints flowed through me. A great peace in knowing that all of our prayers, from a terrified wife to strangers, were heard. A gratefulness for those worthy brethren who held the priesthood and were ready to give.

Though this may have seemed a distraction from a talk from an apostle, it wasn't. It was a testimony builder. I am so grateful that he is ok, as far as I know, and that through this small struggling families trial, I was so spiritually fed.

Elder Eyring spoke and he as always touched my heart. He spoke of doing the things you needed to do to be obiedient and that the lord would send blessings. I love this apostle more than most, I have always felt more connected to him, he talks about his life like it is totally normal. He has faced challenges that are close to my heart. While reading through my blogs today I was also moved by my friend Liv's blog about the same talk. I had to link it, it made me feel closer to her through my love for him. How truly blessed we are in the church!

Chilly with a Chance of Brr...

Well hello all. I am so happy to be back to blogging. Last week I got a very nasty cold that just knocked me out. I am still coughing but mostly on the mend. I hate to be sick.

I am also beginning to plan for the holiday season. When I get sick I watch QVC, I know, it makes no sense, I just do. Well last week while coughing up a lung I enjoyed a day on the couch with Kleenex and Christmas QVC. I laughed at half the stuff that I would never buy and things I wished I had the money for. Like a 12 foot lit tree that I have no where to put but would love to have. It kicked off the fall just perfectly for me. Got me into the mind frame of the season. I do all my Christmas shopping by the beginning of November so I have to be on the ball here, I am getting close to my deadline! haha.

There is already so much going on. It is my favorite time of year, the weather gets chilly and sweaters come out and I get to enjoy the wonderfulness of my beautiful and warm coat collection. Even though a trial try-on session revealed a few that can now only be warn with VERY heavy sweaters or lots of layers, I do not love them any less. I can hardly wait to bust them out. Tomorrow the high is supposed to be 55 degrees, so I think I will have a start to the season.

I have started to rack leaves, made a few loaves of pumpkin bread, homemade apple cider, and soups. Lots of homemade soup.

I hope you are all having a wonderful fall and enjoying the sights, smells and sounds of it all. I know that I am.